**WARNING-TMI IS ABOUT TO FOLLOW. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF MY "GIRLY BUSINESS" STOP READING THIS NOW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED ** :)
Okay, so on to my journey to make Libby a big sister. Dr Butler (my reproductive endocrinologist) doesn't want to see me again until February. After the ectopic pregnancy in September, he said I needed to give my little body a break from all of the shots, hormones and poking and prodding of fertility treatments. As much as I understand the science behind taking a "break", it's still no fun to have to put off a potential pregnancy for another several months. Each month that passes is another month that goes by that I am not pregnant. I realize that I am only 28, and according to the world's standards, that is still pretty darn young. However, according to the fertility world, 28 is a little bit closer to the magic age of 30. After 30, your fertility begins to decline. I don't need anymore declining in that department!! So, the past three months have been a waste of my precious fertile moments. After the D&C in September, I haven't had a period since. I tried three weeks of Progesterone supplements followed by a break, hoping that would initiate "things". No such luck. So, then I turned to the most dreaded of pills in the eyes of the infertile couple...I began birth control pills. YUCK! Now, as a Nurse Practitioner, my specialty is all things "womanly". I know all about pills and rings and everything else that can prevent you from getting pregnant. I also know all about telling other women how to get pregnant. Unfortunately, it's easier said than done. And of course, other women have ovaries and uteri that actually like to function properly.
So, here we are three months past the D&C, still no period. So, the RE suggested I have another ultrasound and draw some blood to check some hormones. Grr...after experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, my poor little blood vessels are sore and tired of being picked on! I do believe I have had more ultrasounds than the entire team of OBGYN surrogates that Vanderbilt's school of medicine employs (that's a LOT). So, after lunch I had said sono and routine blood work.
It would appear that after all of these years of medications, surgeries and testing, my sweet little ovaries have developed a very unsweet string of tiny cysts around the periphery. I have never had such dysfunctional ovaries in my entire life :(. So, on we go. I will now begin a ten day course of additional hormones and various medications in hope that at the end, I will finally have a period and we can finally proceed with whatever pills and shots are necessary. I really love pearls and all things girly, but really, this is a bit much!
I guess at the end of the day, I would go through all of this all over again if it meant that I got another sweet little one. My desire for a second child is just as strong, if not stronger, than it was when I was praying and patiently waiting for Libby. The only difference is that now I know how wonderful she is. I know how wonderful it is to have her. I know how wonderful it feels to have her kicking in my tummy, and then watching her sleep at night. I know how wonderful she smells fresh out of the bath, and how wonderful her sweet little mouth curls up when she is sleeping. I know how wonderful it feels to have her cuddled in my arms, and how wonderful it sounds to hear her call me "mommy". Before she was born, I could only imagine how it would be to have a baby. I could never truly comprehend how challenging, yet wonderful this journey has been.
When I was trying to get pregnant with Libby, I used to become so frustrated with women who had already given birth, who were complaining about having subsequent children. I used to think, "why can't they be happy with what they already have? Don't they understand I don't even have one baby?" Now I understand that it's just as hard the second and third time around.
I also realize and understand the God really does want me to have the desires of my heart. My desire is to have another child. However, if for some reason, it is not in God's will for me to have more children, I will be content.It will be difficult, but I will take comfort in the one beautiful child I have and spoil her rotten. I will cherish every single moment with her. I will enjoy every single second of her life. I will enjoy having nieces and nephews, and I will enjoy seeing my sisters become mothers. My life is going to be full no matter the number of "biological" children in my family.