Tuesday, December 28, 2010

What a Christmas!

Christmas is so much fun with a little one. Especially my gorgeous little one! Our weekend was filled with cuddles, cookies, movies (yes, we saw Rapunzel AGAIN), gifts, and giggles.
Go ahead, I dare you to find a more precious little girl....see...it's impossible! She is "preciousness" personified...well, at least she is when she's in a good mood :) She was so excited on Christmas Eve, that she couldn't fall asleep. She woke up Christmas morning and was bombarded with Princess papered gifts from Santa, Nana Clause, Mommy Clause, Mamie Clause, and Mur Clause. Half of her gifts were princesses and the other half were Toy Story. It was so excited to see her little face light up with each new gift. I know she received far too many gifts, but it's so hard not to indulge her at this point. Especially since she is the only one! Perhaps next year we will have at least another one to keep her company! After the gifts were unwrapped and we ate a very large Christmas brunch, she put on her Rapunzel gown and we took her to see "Tangled" again...this time she brought her new Rapunzel doll with her.

I know, she's gorgeous, right? I'm one proud mama.

She must have enjoyed our weekend together, because this morning she begged me to stay home with her. She didn't want to go to school, she wanted me to stay home her "lovey". It broke my heart to bring her to school. Only three work days this week, and I hope they fly by!

Speaking of adding to the family. It would appear that today marks the first day of the new "year" so to speak. It's been long overdue, so I am almost happy to see it return. However, the next two months are going to be pretty busy for the Pullen's, so I think we are going to put our "treatments" on hold until March. January is the weekend trip for me and Brad, and then we are taking Libby to Disneyworld in February. Unfortunately, that doesn't leave me much extra money for expensive injections and IUI cycles. So, it appears that we are on "hold" until our winter vacations are over. I'm disappointed, but at least I have some exciting plans to distract me for now.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Exorcism of Elizabeth Reece

    Ladies and Gentleman, we may actually being turning the corner in this epic battle of wills that is called, "The TERRIBLE TWOS". I am beginning to see my beautiful, sweet, compliant, princess emerge from the shell of this screaming, stubborn toddler that has possessed my baby for several months now. I will have you all know, Libby went to school today in an outfit that I PICKED OUT FOR HER! Now, of course there was the obligatory request for her "Jessie t-shirt" (Toy Story Jessie), which I handled by telling her that we would pack it to bring as a change of clothes for later in the day if she messed up her shirt.  It worked!! She obliged and put on her black tutu leggins and sweet little bow t-shirt that I bought for her over Black Friday. I could NOT believe it. So, either she is giving up, or I have simply become a little bit smarter. Considering how stressed I have been recently, I highly doubt I am the wiser one. Therfore, it gives me a little hope that my child may be returning to the wonderful, precious, pleasant child that I remember. I know this may not seem like a big deal to more seasoned mothers....however, this is a rather significant day for me and Libby. Those of you who have seen Libby or have heard my rantings over her recent behavior understand how rough these several months have been. Libby has been stubborn, strong-willed, and just plain difficult. This is something that Brad and I have been praying about and discussing for hours on end. We have discussed her behavior with friends, family, and anyone who would listen. Let me make myself clear...she IS NOT a bad child. She is simply strong-willed and very intelligent. This combination makes parenting a little challenging. Especially for a first time mom. Especially for a first time mom who is a control-freak! I am thankful for the small things. I am thankful for mornings where we all get out of the house without a tantrum, fit or screaming. I am thankful for mornings that Libby doesn't insist upon wearing her ballerina tutu and cowboy boots. I am thankful for mornings where she loves on me and hugs me before school. I will leave you with this precious image. It's the best way to say good bye in the morning, with a sweet little smile!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Get over it Princess!

Ok, so everytime I get to feeling bad about my "situation", GOD smacks me with a reality check to bring me back to reality. The past several months have been a remarkable emotional rollercoaster for me. It doesn't help that on top of the natural emotions I have been experiencing, that I have been injecting and ingesting large amounts of hormoness. First, the hormones were to get pregnant, then to stay pregnant, then to end the pregnancy, then to prevent the pregnancy, then to start the period to start the first hormones all over again. Confused? So is my poor endocrine system. I feel like my uterus is on a strike! Well, it's been on strike for several years now. I spent the first part of my marriage trying to prevent a pregnacy, and the past half trying to obtain and keep a pregnancy. My husband and my ovaries are both tired of all of the turmoil. This year for Christmas, I am asking for a baby. I am gonna continue to ask and pray for a baby every chance I possibly can,  until I hold my baby in my arms.

Looking back on 2010, there have been so many things that I never could have anticipated. Unfortunately, the most devastating event (the ectopic pregnancy) has been one of the most single worst events that I have ever lived through. I pray that I never have to endure the hurt and loss that I felt during those weeks, ever again. I pray that my sweet friends and sisters will never have to experience that pain. However, I have to remind myself of one essential thought...I was pregnant again. I was able to conceive, albeit, a bit differently than most (through IUI). I remember the feeling that I felt the first time I saw Libby. The feeling was so amazing. So addicting. I remember wanting to capture that moment and revisit it again and again. The feeling is so addicting, that I have to experience it again. I also remember seeing the positive pregnancy test in September. I never thought that I would ever see another little plastic test with two pink lines! I remember running into Brad and screaming hysterically. We were pregnant, again!!! I have to remember those special moments. They are the special moments that keep me going. They remind me of the reason that I am still subjecting my body to this torture and hormonal rollercoaster!

Now, I am waiting patiently. Since my LMP of August 5, 2010, nothing has happened. No cycle. No cycle means no ovulation, which means, well....you get the idea. So, I am waiting. I am waiting and clinging to those feelings that I so long to experience again. I am hopeful that it will happen again. Maybe not in 2010, maybe not even in 2011, but someday.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Being happy....

  Why is it so hard for me to be excited for people who are announcing a new pregnancy? Why can't I simply be happy with what God has blessed me with, and be happy for others? This is an area that I am constantly struggling with. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo incredibly thankful for the beautiful gift that God gave me. Libby is the absolute love of my life and the most wonderful answer to prayer. However, that doesn't take away from the intense desire that I feel to have another child. It's just as strong and intense as the desire I had to become pregnant with Libby.
   I honestly believe that there are several reasons for my "problem". First of all, I am such a control freak and type A personality, that it drives me crazy that I cannot control my fertility and family planning. It's something that is so out of my hands, and that bothers me. Secondly, I am in women's health, which means I am constantly bombarded with images of pregnancy, fertility, childbirth, etc. I am so envious of women who can "just look at their spouses and get pregnant". Thirdly, the fact that I cannot get pregnant makes me feel inadequate. It's a constant battle within myself to feel like I am a failure. I mean, come on, every woman can get pregnant, right? It's a basic human right and need to procreate. Why can't I do that successfully? Here I am, young(ish), successful(ish), educated, married, healthy, why can't I get this one little thing right? It's a huge stumbling block in my life. A huge hurdle. A huge tangle.
   So, yes, I am sensitive to this issue. I think that any woman who has survived infertility, pregnancy loss or the loss of a baby understands. This is also an issue that many people are not sensitive enough too. The following is the list of things that you absolutely SHOULD NOT tell a woman suffering from infertility:

1." It's not your time yet" (well then, by golly, why is it time for that teenager to get pregnant again? She's 12!!
2. "All in God's Timing" (well, that just plain sucks!)
3. "Have you considered adoption?" (No, have you? I want to have MY OWN baby). Besides, adoption ain't cheap!!
4. "Sorry about your miscarriage, it just wasn't meant to be" (Oh, so you mean that God intended to let me lose my baby?
5. "maybe you aren't meant to have kids" (Well maybe you aren't meant to be a friend of mine, because that was just plain mean!
6. "You know maybe there was something wrong with your baby and this was God's way..." (Yes, that was said to me at some point in reference to my pregnancy loss.)

So, you see, people can be so insenstitive and hurtful. I am just praying that at this time next year I will be in a different position. I am also praying for a few very special friends of mine who are fighting this same fight that I am. It's a hard battle. Especially for a believer. Especially when you grow up knowing all of the scriptures that state, "HE will grant you the desires of your hearts, HE will never leave you or forsake you, HE will never give you anything that you can't handle."

Monday, December 6, 2010

Yes, Libby, like a Goat...

So, over the weekend, we had the opportunity to spend some time with Suzanne and Brandon. Suzanne has the cutest little newborn, Baby Evan. At first, Libby was not very interested in Baby Evan. In fact, she seemed a bit jealous. However, as the evening continued, she began to show a little interest in the gurgling, cooing, little Evan. Eventually, she decided that she actually liked the baby. She followed Suzanne into the bathroom to observe Evan's bath and even began asking Suzanne questions. Eventually it was time for Baby Evan to nurse, so of course Libby was enthralled. Suzanne said it would be okay for Libby to stay in the playroom while she nursed. That was probably our first mistake!

Libby was very interested in watching how Suzanne "fed" Baby Evan. This was how the conversation progressed...

Libby: Whatcha feeding Baby Evan?
Suzanne: Milk
Libby: What kind of milk?
Suzanne: Um, white milk?
Libby: How ya feeding him the milk?
Suzanne: Well, some mommies feed their babies with a bottle, and some mommies get to feed their babies very special like I am.
Libby: (pondering thoughtfully), Oh...like a cow??
Suzanne:(after stifling laughter and maintaining a straight face) Well, yes, I guess like a cow.
Libby: (obviously impressed with herself) Oh, and like a goat and a...
Mommy: (Interrupting before Libby could continue) Yes, Lib, that's how a lot of animals feed their babies.

Yes, I will admit, she is pretty darn cute. That's why I desperately want another one just like her!