Ok, so everytime I get to feeling bad about my "situation", GOD smacks me with a reality check to bring me back to reality. The past several months have been a remarkable emotional rollercoaster for me. It doesn't help that on top of the natural emotions I have been experiencing, that I have been injecting and ingesting large amounts of hormoness. First, the hormones were to get pregnant, then to stay pregnant, then to end the pregnancy, then to prevent the pregnancy, then to start the period to start the first hormones all over again. Confused? So is my poor endocrine system. I feel like my uterus is on a strike! Well, it's been on strike for several years now. I spent the first part of my marriage trying to prevent a pregnacy, and the past half trying to obtain and keep a pregnancy. My husband and my ovaries are both tired of all of the turmoil. This year for Christmas, I am asking for a baby. I am gonna continue to ask and pray for a baby every chance I possibly can, until I hold my baby in my arms.
Looking back on 2010, there have been so many things that I never could have anticipated. Unfortunately, the most devastating event (the ectopic pregnancy) has been one of the most single worst events that I have ever lived through. I pray that I never have to endure the hurt and loss that I felt during those weeks, ever again. I pray that my sweet friends and sisters will never have to experience that pain. However, I have to remind myself of one essential thought...I was pregnant again. I was able to conceive, albeit, a bit differently than most (through IUI). I remember the feeling that I felt the first time I saw Libby. The feeling was so amazing. So addicting. I remember wanting to capture that moment and revisit it again and again. The feeling is so addicting, that I have to experience it again. I also remember seeing the positive pregnancy test in September. I never thought that I would ever see another little plastic test with two pink lines! I remember running into Brad and screaming hysterically. We were pregnant, again!!! I have to remember those special moments. They are the special moments that keep me going. They remind me of the reason that I am still subjecting my body to this torture and hormonal rollercoaster!
Now, I am waiting patiently. Since my LMP of August 5, 2010, nothing has happened. No cycle. No cycle means no ovulation, which means, well....you get the idea. So, I am waiting. I am waiting and clinging to those feelings that I so long to experience again. I am hopeful that it will happen again. Maybe not in 2010, maybe not even in 2011, but someday.