Why is it so hard for me to be excited for people who are announcing a new pregnancy? Why can't I simply be happy with what God has blessed me with, and be happy for others? This is an area that I am constantly struggling with. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo incredibly thankful for the beautiful gift that God gave me. Libby is the absolute love of my life and the most wonderful answer to prayer. However, that doesn't take away from the intense desire that I feel to have another child. It's just as strong and intense as the desire I had to become pregnant with Libby.
I honestly believe that there are several reasons for my "problem". First of all, I am such a control freak and type A personality, that it drives me crazy that I cannot control my fertility and family planning. It's something that is so out of my hands, and that bothers me. Secondly, I am in women's health, which means I am constantly bombarded with images of pregnancy, fertility, childbirth, etc. I am so envious of women who can "just look at their spouses and get pregnant". Thirdly, the fact that I cannot get pregnant makes me feel inadequate. It's a constant battle within myself to feel like I am a failure. I mean, come on, every woman can get pregnant, right? It's a basic human right and need to procreate. Why can't I do that successfully? Here I am, young(ish), successful(ish), educated, married, healthy, why can't I get this one little thing right? It's a huge stumbling block in my life. A huge hurdle. A huge tangle.
So, yes, I am sensitive to this issue. I think that any woman who has survived infertility, pregnancy loss or the loss of a baby understands. This is also an issue that many people are not sensitive enough too. The following is the list of things that you absolutely SHOULD NOT tell a woman suffering from infertility:
1." It's not your time yet" (well then, by golly, why is it time for that teenager to get pregnant again? She's 12!!
2. "All in God's Timing" (well, that just plain sucks!)
3. "Have you considered adoption?" (No, have you? I want to have MY OWN baby). Besides, adoption ain't cheap!!
4. "Sorry about your miscarriage, it just wasn't meant to be" (Oh, so you mean that God intended to let me lose my baby?
5. "maybe you aren't meant to have kids" (Well maybe you aren't meant to be a friend of mine, because that was just plain mean!
6. "You know maybe there was something wrong with your baby and this was God's way..." (Yes, that was said to me at some point in reference to my pregnancy loss.)
So, you see, people can be so insenstitive and hurtful. I am just praying that at this time next year I will be in a different position. I am also praying for a few very special friends of mine who are fighting this same fight that I am. It's a hard battle. Especially for a believer. Especially when you grow up knowing all of the scriptures that state, "HE will grant you the desires of your hearts, HE will never leave you or forsake you, HE will never give you anything that you can't handle."