Thursday, March 31, 2011

CD 8 Scan...

Well, at least the nurses didn't bruise me up too badly today while drawing my blood! They got it the first stick, although they did have to dig around a bit...ouch! The scan looks great, lining was about 11.6 mm, and my right side had at least three good size follicles between 13-14, the left side was kinda boring, but I am not gonna complain! I will take what I can get!

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So, the nurse called to inform me that my estrogen levels have more than doubled, they want me to decrease my meds to 50 units for the next two nights and then I go back for a scan on Saturday, assuming everything looks good, my IUI will be on Monday!! YAY!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

CD 6....first scan

So, basically there is nothing too terribly exciting going on with my ovaries. The story of my life.... ;) I am waiting to hear from the RE office to see if he has adjusted my follistim at all. The past couple of tries, we usually stayed on the Follistim 100 units for a few days, and then gradually decreased to 75 units. I have to admit that I am feeling pretty bloated and grumpy. It's either the hormones, fatigue or allergies...or maybe a combination! We have revival at church this week, which is great, however, it means I get little time at home. I am tired and already ready for the weekend! My housework is piling up and so is the laundry. Since I am stimming with meds now, I am going every other day for labwork and scans about 45 minutes away, and I am not getting home until 9 pm. I have no time to exercise, and no time to cuddle with my little princess. Maybe that's why I am so grumpy and tired! :)

Monday, March 28, 2011

CD 5...

Here we are...CD 5. I began my follistim injections on Saturday. I was so excited to get the package of them and so very eager to begin. Tomorrow is my first follicle count. I don't expect too much, but I am hoping that it's a good start. I am very excited about this month. I am feeling optimistic. I would like to be able to document everything, so that one day I am able to print this blog and present it to my precious miracle baby. I want the baby(ies) to know how much I wanted him/her. I am eagerly awaiting that day. So, until then, I will continue to blog and share my journey, in hopes that one day it will be printed and bound and wrapped up for a precious little one.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Here we go...third time is the charm!

Ok, so I am going tomorrow for my baseline scan to begin IUI round #3. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is finally our month! I am praying and trying to remain optimistic. The first IUI resulted in an abdomen full of cysts and the second one resulted in the ectopic, so surely the third time is the "ONE"! Right? So, I'm eagerly awaiting tomorrow morning, knowing that this is one step closer to "completing my family".

This morning, while getting ready for work, I put Libby in bed with Brad to "snuggle while she was waking up". Just snuggling with her is some of the best medicine. Last night, she and I were talking about why we say prayers and Thank God for our food. I explained to her that some kids don't have enough money for food to eat and she was blessed becuase her mommy and daddy work hard to provide for her. She asked if the "kids with no monies" had bad mommies and daddies. I said, "No, maybe they just can't find jobs or their jobs don't pay very well." She thought for a moment and looked up, "Mommy, I have some monies in my piggy to give to the kids to get food." My heart just melted. Maybe we are doing something right with her! :)

Friday, March 18, 2011


So, here we are in the unfortunate waiting game again. It's tough. At least I have been a bit preoccupied this week with my new job. I am more than happy with where God has planted me. I'm so thankful that after the stressful past several months, it looks like smooth sailing! Who knows? Maybe being removed from a stressful environment will be the greatest fertility booster!

It's creeping up to the anticipated date that I would have delivered baby #2. Even though I am in a much better emotional place then I was 6 months ago, this is still a fresh wound for me. To think that I was so close to holding another baby, and then it was literally taken from me, it's a hard pill to swallow. I don't know what the "healthy" emotional state is for me to be in. I know that I have to "move on" and "live in the moment", but am I going to be in another "funk" as the day of my official "due date" approaches? I don't know enough about the grief process to figure out which stage I am in. Surely you get some sort of a "break" around the important dates. I imagine that as May approaches, the thoughts will increase, and then after the date passes, I will be okay again. At least, that's what I am hoping for! I feel like I am coping fairly well. Considering that during the time of the pregnancy I was going through a personal Hell at work, I think I managed to come through relatively well. At least, I think I did. I don't think I am one of those ladies who can quickly recover from a loss and be okay right away.

Libby helps. I feel the worst when I am lying in bed thinking, or when I allow my self to wander through the "baby section" at Target. I feel the best when I am snuggling with Libby, my miracle, and kissing and hugging her until she screams. I feel the best with Brad, when he is singing or making me laugh. I feel the best when I am with my sisters, laughing and acting like teenagers. I may not be 30 weeks pregnant now, but at least I have them!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Warning * have been warned!*

So, Brad and I returned from Florida with happy hearts and hopes to eagerly pursue our next round of IUI. I even called and ordered the meds, everything was we waited. And waited. And waited. My cycle never started. Of course I took numerous pregnancy tests, all negative, of course. I called the clinic and the brought me in for bloodwork. Another week passed, no cycle. So, the clinic called me in for ANOTHER utlrasound. Much to my surprise (and theirs) there was a large 18 mm cyst on my ovary. We drew bloodwork and unbelievably, the "cyst" was actually a functional follicle producing estrogen and ready to ovulate! Amazing! So, I returned yesterday and had another ultrasound, which showed my nice, fat swollen ovary had enlarged and the "little" cyst is now a whopping 21mm ready to pop! Very exciting to see on sono. So, my bloodwork was again drawn and I was sent home to "try on my own" very romantic! I will return again on Friday for a confirmation of ovulation and a progesterone check. Then, I wait another two weeks, and wait. So, do I allow myself to get excited? I will remain cautiously optimistic for the time being. Although, there is something so strange about hearing your doctor tell you "good luck" in reference to the very intimate parts of your marriage!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

An Awakening

Brad left for work early this morning, and like he usually does on early mornings, he brought Libby into our bedroom to snuggle with me. I absolutely love these brief moments that I have snuggling her and rubbing her back while it's still dark outside. She snuggles her little face up to mine, and every so often she will peck my cheek with a sweet little sleepy kiss. It's a great way to start my day! I got out of bed and covered her up, so I could have a few moments to myself in silence to get ready for the day. Most of my "thinking time" happens in the early morning, either while showering or drying my hair. My hair is long and thick, so this gives me ample time to think and reflect on the coming day.

 This morning, while drying my hair, I was pondering the whole idea of my infertility struggles. It seems so unfair that I am having to cope with this burden, and watch other women around me have multiple children and complain about all of their "woes" at being mothers. I don't think I have ever complained about being a mother. There is nothing in life that I would rather do! I shudder when I hear how parents talk to their children, and treat them so aggressively. Don't they realize how valuable and precious their little ones are? When I hear mothers in grocery stores yelling at their toddlers or dads grumbling about having to play with their sons, I want to absolutely smack them! Don't they know that these children are gifts from God? Gifts that are supposed to be loved and nurtured? Don't they know that I would give anything in the world to make Libby a big sister? I have friends and loved ones who would give their right arm to have a little "spoiled runny nose preschooler" of their own. Now, I realize that parenting is tough. I have a very strong willed, stubborn diva of a daughter. However, I remember nights before she was born, that I would beg God for the opportunity to become a mommy. One day, she will be grown and gone, and I will miss the days of struggling in the grocery store and begging her to get dressed in the morning. I will also miss the smell of her hair after it's been shampooed, and the softness of her sweet hands when she holds mine.

It occurred to me while my flat iron was heating up... don't I trust God? Hasn't he provided thus far? Didn't he already perform a huge miracle when he delivered Libby three years ago? Just in the past six months, I have had such turmoil in my professional life. My career was turned upside down this fall, and then again two months ago when my company told me they were "down sizing". Didn't He provide? Of course he did, I have already had three excellent job offers in less than three months, and in the worst possible economy for job seekers! If God can provide me with three jobs, surely he can give me another baby. And He will. Thank you God for this peace today.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A little "Libby love"

Alright, here are some of Libby's most recent funnies:

1. In response to my attempt at making a joke, "Mommy, that's not funny, and I know funny!"

2. While sobbing at home, "Mommy, I don't think Daddy really speaks my language!"

3. While at the doctor for her three year old checkup, she refused to take off her clothes, like the nurse asked. I told her she had to take off her clothes so her doctor could examine her and she replied, "Mommy, you told me not to ever let anyone see me naked!" Why in the world, did she finally decide to start listening to me??

Every day she amazes me. She has so much spunk and personality for a three year old!

I need to vent a bit....I'm so frustrated with what's going on in my journey to become a mother again. It seems that even after all of these months of waiting, we are being delayed, yet again. Why is my chemistry so frustrating and non compliant? I am just tired of waiting. It's getting harder to remain patient. So, even after an ultrasound last week, and bloodwork, I have to return again next week for another ultrasound and bloodwork. We haven't even begun medications yet! Why am I so impatient? Why is this so frustrating? The waiting is agonizing as I watch the months tick by.