Blessings....

I am so excited that I am about to burst!!! Over the past several weeks, Brad and I have been trying to save and cut corners in order to proceed with the next step in our fertility journey. We know that after my laparoscopy, our next few months are the absolute best chance we have at getting pregnant. So, we want to make the most of our time! We are seeking a second opinion regarding where we go from this point on. I am not sure how much I am gonna be telling people about where we go from here.

Regardless...

Last night, Brad and I recieved the "Fleece" we have been praying for! Our current mortgage is a huge burden on us. Our house payment is astronomical!! It's very taxing and it's a burden we should not have taken on four years ago. We should have planned and purchased a smaller home with a smaller mortgage... So,for the past year and a half we have been trying to remodify our mortgage, lower our interest rate, whatever we can do to lower our payment. It's been a huge hassle! Yesterday, Brad received the news that our interest rate has been dropped to 2.5%. This saves us over $500 a month!! $500!! I am so incredibly excited, I am about to burst with joy at this point. I know that this is the sign we have been praying for. The money we have been waiting for to put towards our dream baby! Thank you GOD!!

My pride and joy...

So, last week while I was preparing for my surgery, I had a very interesting talk with my sweet little one. She was in the bathroom, sitting on the potty (her best thinking spot!) when she looked up and said,"Mommy? When is my baby coming home?"

Oh, brother! I calmly replied,"Well, sweetie, looks like it's gonna be awhile before we get to bring home a baby."

She thought for another moment and said,"Well, I sink (think) that the baby can have my blue room (her playroom) to sleep in."

"Oh, baby, that would be very sweet of you."

She thought for another moment..."Mommy?"

"Yes, Lib..."

"Can you teach me how to scratch backs?"

"What Lib?"

"You, know, I need you to teach me how to scratch backs. I know how to rub backs, but if I am gonna get a baby, I need to learn how to scratch backs too. That's what babies like."

At this point, I was tearing up a bit, "Of course, sweetie. I will definitely teach you how to scratch backs."

How amazing is my sweet little one?

My due date

It would be wrong of me not to acknowledge this day. Today was then due date of our baby #2. If I ignore this day, then I am ignoring the existence of our second pregnancy. I know many people choose not to even acknowledge an early pregnancy loss... however, I have read enough scriptures to completely believe that even God recognizes souls while they are still being formed in the "most secret place". I am sad today. It would be inconceivable to try to act tough and "brush it off" today. Even though I will never get to meet my precious little one, I take comfort in knowing that he is waiting to meet me one day.

I can't pretend to be okay today. I can't pretend to understand why I wasn't allowed to keep my baby. I can't pretend that its fair, because its not fair. It's not fair that I lost my baby, and meanwhile, there are millions of babies that are aborted to mothers who are undeserving of the precious gift they have been given. I take comfort in my loved ones and the baby I do have, but it doesn't make me mourn my loss any less. That would be wrong and unfair to my second baby. I deserve the opportunity to mourn...its an emotion and well documented in Scriptures. I will never be over the loss. I'm sorry, its just not gonna happen.

The big day...laparoscopy #3

This weekend was horrible for me. I have been a nervous wreck, unable to eat or sleep. I have had multiple nightmares involving my surgery. It's crazy to think that this is the most nervous I have ever been regarding a surgery and I have had multiple surgical procedures (including one that left me with over 70 sutures and a numb leg after removing a very difficult tumor). It didn't help that yesterday was the "bowel prep", and I felt MISERABLE the entire day, hungry, crampy and genuinely unhappy and unpleasant. I didn't sleep a wink last night, between the nightmares, nerves and ongoing trips to the bathroom.

So, my alarm clock finally went off at 4:30 this morning and I was horrified. Luckily, the morning went by fairly quickly so I didn't have much time to be nervous. When my doctor came by to visit before the surgery I reminded him, "Please DO NOT remove anything!" He smiled and said, "We are gonna think positively and hope for the best!" I turned to the anesthetist and told her to give me something REALLY strong. She just smiled. Soon, I was kissing my husband and they were wheeling me off to surgery. I turned to the OR circulator and the anesthetist and told them, "Please do NOT let him remove my tube, just remind him while we are in there."

The doctor was waiting in surgery with a med student and a resident, I once again turned and said, "Remember doc, don't remove ANYTHING!" He just smiled. I would have loved to know what was said when I finally fell asleep...

Next thing I remember, I woke up with horrible shakes and turned to the nurse in recovery and quickly asked if they had removed my tubes. She just smiled and said, "No sweetie, they didn't remove anything!"

I was so excited I wanted to kiss her! However, my horrible shakes prevented me from moving. She gave me a dose of Dilauded and I relaxed a bit. When my husband and mom finally made it to recovery, I must have asked them twenty times about the tubes, they calmly reminded me that he had not removed anything at all. Apparently, my endometriosis was a bit worse than it was last year, which is probably what is preventing me from getting pregnant. Most importantly, my tubes looked wonderful!! He told my family he was going to be fairly aggressive with my super ovulation and IUI for the next three tries. I am incredibly relieved and optimistic.