My pride and joy...

So, last week while I was preparing for my surgery, I had a very interesting talk with my sweet little one. She was in the bathroom, sitting on the potty (her best thinking spot!) when she looked up and said,"Mommy? When is my baby coming home?"

Oh, brother! I calmly replied,"Well, sweetie, looks like it's gonna be awhile before we get to bring home a baby."

She thought for another moment and said,"Well, I sink (think) that the baby can have my blue room (her playroom) to sleep in."

"Oh, baby, that would be very sweet of you."

She thought for another moment..."Mommy?"

"Yes, Lib..."

"Can you teach me how to scratch backs?"

"What Lib?"

"You, know, I need you to teach me how to scratch backs. I know how to rub backs, but if I am gonna get a baby, I need to learn how to scratch backs too. That's what babies like."

At this point, I was tearing up a bit, "Of course, sweetie. I will definitely teach you how to scratch backs."

How amazing is my sweet little one?

My due date

It would be wrong of me not to acknowledge this day. Today was then due date of our baby #2. If I ignore this day, then I am ignoring the existence of our second pregnancy. I know many people choose not to even acknowledge an early pregnancy loss... however, I have read enough scriptures to completely believe that even God recognizes souls while they are still being formed in the "most secret place". I am sad today. It would be inconceivable to try to act tough and "brush it off" today. Even though I will never get to meet my precious little one, I take comfort in knowing that he is waiting to meet me one day.

I can't pretend to be okay today. I can't pretend to understand why I wasn't allowed to keep my baby. I can't pretend that its fair, because its not fair. It's not fair that I lost my baby, and meanwhile, there are millions of babies that are aborted to mothers who are undeserving of the precious gift they have been given. I take comfort in my loved ones and the baby I do have, but it doesn't make me mourn my loss any less. That would be wrong and unfair to my second baby. I deserve the opportunity to mourn...its an emotion and well documented in Scriptures. I will never be over the loss. I'm sorry, its just not gonna happen.

The big day...laparoscopy #3

This weekend was horrible for me. I have been a nervous wreck, unable to eat or sleep. I have had multiple nightmares involving my surgery. It's crazy to think that this is the most nervous I have ever been regarding a surgery and I have had multiple surgical procedures (including one that left me with over 70 sutures and a numb leg after removing a very difficult tumor). It didn't help that yesterday was the "bowel prep", and I felt MISERABLE the entire day, hungry, crampy and genuinely unhappy and unpleasant. I didn't sleep a wink last night, between the nightmares, nerves and ongoing trips to the bathroom.

So, my alarm clock finally went off at 4:30 this morning and I was horrified. Luckily, the morning went by fairly quickly so I didn't have much time to be nervous. When my doctor came by to visit before the surgery I reminded him, "Please DO NOT remove anything!" He smiled and said, "We are gonna think positively and hope for the best!" I turned to the anesthetist and told her to give me something REALLY strong. She just smiled. Soon, I was kissing my husband and they were wheeling me off to surgery. I turned to the OR circulator and the anesthetist and told them, "Please do NOT let him remove my tube, just remind him while we are in there."

The doctor was waiting in surgery with a med student and a resident, I once again turned and said, "Remember doc, don't remove ANYTHING!" He just smiled. I would have loved to know what was said when I finally fell asleep...

Next thing I remember, I woke up with horrible shakes and turned to the nurse in recovery and quickly asked if they had removed my tubes. She just smiled and said, "No sweetie, they didn't remove anything!"

I was so excited I wanted to kiss her! However, my horrible shakes prevented me from moving. She gave me a dose of Dilauded and I relaxed a bit. When my husband and mom finally made it to recovery, I must have asked them twenty times about the tubes, they calmly reminded me that he had not removed anything at all. Apparently, my endometriosis was a bit worse than it was last year, which is probably what is preventing me from getting pregnant. Most importantly, my tubes looked wonderful!! He told my family he was going to be fairly aggressive with my super ovulation and IUI for the next three tries. I am incredibly relieved and optimistic.

Seriously?????

So, went for my pre-op appointment this morning. Since it will be my third laparoscopy, I sorta consider myself an "old pro" by now. I even told hubby not to come with me, he needs to save his "personal time" for the surgery and the follow up appointments. Big mistake! I showed up, they took my vitals and ushered me into the RE's office. He sits me down and we begin the preliminary "pre-op" speech. I have given this speech a dozen times myself to other patients while performing pre-op exams and consults. I know all the risks and signed all of the papers. Everything was on auto pilot until I heard the word "salpingectomy".

"Whoa!"

RE stops and smiles, "Yes?"

"Um, you mentioned a salpingectomy?"

Peering down through his round little glasses, " Well, yes, I am gonna need you to sign this little line that allows me to perform a salpingectomy if needed."

"You mean, remove my tube?"

"Well, yes, assuming that only one tube is compromised from the scarring from the ectopic, we would only need to remove one tube."

My heart sank. He actually thinks he is gonna remove a fallopian tube? My fallopian tube?? And he wants me to sign a paper to agree to it? Where is my husband when I need him? I can't sign this paper. He might actually remove a tube. I could potentially wake up from surgery and be missing a very key portion of my female anatomy. The worst part? I have to sign the form knowing that I won't be able to wake up to make that decision. I will be put under general anesthesia and the doctor will be the one who decides if my tube stays or goes without consulting me first. Granted, I do trust him. At least, I think I do. Of course he agrees that removing a tube is only "if absolutely needed", but at what costs? I really wish I would have brought my husband or at least somebody else to ask important questions...after all, I think I was in shock. But, what choice do I have? If the tube is scarred, my chances of having another ectopic are much higher.

So, I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed and praying very hard that I get to come out of surgery with all of my parts still intact. My worst fear is waking up from surgery and hearing horrible stories of bleeding, and emergency hysterectomy...I know it's a very long shot, but I guess hearing about the potential of losing a tube has really shaken me up.

Note to self: bring the hubby next time.

How IF has defined me...

So, I have recently decided to take a break from Facebook. It's a big step for me. For years now, while eating breakfast, I would surf the latest updates, and check up on friends. It's how we stay in touch with family and friends from around the globe and it's how we share pics and stories of our everyday life.

During the month of April, I have been posting several articles and blogs about infertility. April is National Infertility Awareness Month, and it was the month of my third IUI. So, naturally, my thoughts and every spare minute has been spent on RESOLVE's website and the INSPIRE support group boards. I find great comfort in surrounding myself (even if only in cyberspace) with friends and allies who are going through the same trials and tribulations that I am. It doesn't help that in my professional life, my days are filled with whiny, pregnant women and unplanned teenage pregnancies that often end in abortion.

Apparently, my blogs and postings have begun to "annoy" some people on my friends list. They have commented and messaged me about my incessant infertility posts. Some have even made vague, but hurtful, comments regarding my posts. So, after dwelling on my posts for a couple of days, I have decided that I need a break. I don't understand, if women are allowed to post status updates about their "baby bumps" and "pregnancy woes", why am I not allowed to post informative blogs and articles regarding infertility? Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Whatever happened to "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?" And if my posts are so annoying, why don't you just ignore them or skip over them? Who knows, maybe somebody else out there would like to read the information in the articles.

So, looking back at my many Facebook status updates, I have begun to reflect upon how Infertility has really impacted my life. In all fairness, I should say "secondary infertility". After all, I have a beautiful and healthy three year old, who was indeed, my little miracle.

HOW IF HAS SHAPED AND DEFINED ME:

1. Infertility has made me a better mother. I honestly believe that having to wait so long for my little one has made me more appreciative of her and the time I have with her. I cherish every minute of being her mother and love every little bit of her. I often see parents who get frustrated with their children and seem to "take them for granted". Many are annoyed by their children and seem to be inconvenienced by them. My little one was conceived after years of prayers, sleepless nights and waiting. I will never take for granted the miracle that took place when she was born, and I have enjoyed every last minute of being a mother.

2. Infertility has made me a better practitioner. Even though it's very frustrating while taking care of whiny pregnant women, and especially whiny pregnant teenagers, infertility has taught me a great deal about patience. I realize that pregnancy and motherhood is a great gift, and I try to teach that to all of my patients.

3. Infertility has taught me patience. I guess that old saying, "anything worth having is worth waiting for" is really true in regards to parenthood. It seems that while waiting to expand my family, all I do is wait. I wait for my cycle to start, wait for my medication to take effect, wait for my IUI, wait for two weeks for my pregnancy test, wait again for my cycle to start, wait to save enough money for the next round of treatments...wait...wait....wait.

4. Infertility has brought me closer to my husband. While battling infertility, every part of my marriage has been tested. My husband and I have invited strangers into the most intimate parts of our relationship in order to help facilitate the expansion of our family. We have doctors telling us "how to do it, and when or when not to do it". We have been pushed to the exhaustion of our financial, emotional and physical resources. We have spent hours, crying, hugging, talking and consoling each other. I have realized what a great partner that I truly have. I wouldn't want to walk this path with anybody but my Brad.

5. Infertility has taught me that I am stronger than I ever would have anticipated. Through the years of hurt, both physical and emotional, infertility has pushed me to the most extreme limits. I have had the best of times (the birth of my daughter) and the lowest of times (the ectopic pregnancy this past fall). Most importantly, I have survived the worst of these times and have emerged a stronger person. Looking back now, I don't really know how I survived many of those dark days of pain and tears, but I did.

So, as I look back and reflect upon the recent posts of this month, I realize that I do obsess over our "secondary infertility". However, either you accept me for what I am, or all you have to do is "defriend me". Infertility is a big ugly scab that has scarred me for many years now. Everybody has baggage, this is mine. Take it or leave it.

Brad's "Christening"

Well, it's been long overdue...I feel like Brad has officially been welcomed into the "Daddy club". I know, after three years, you would think he would be a professional by now. However, there has been one last event that has failed to occur in our little home...until last night.

We knew Libby wasn't feeling well last night, she went to bed grouchy and cranky, and woke up at midnight in tears. She never wets the bed, but she had wet the bed and was screaming for "Daddy!!!" So, my sweet little husband got up and dutifully attended to her, changing her clothes and cuddling her back to sleep. She woke up again some time after 4 am screaming for Brad again. Once again, he rolled out of bed and groggily raced to her room. Why is it she screams for him at night??? I am not really sure, although, I distinctly remember yelling for my daddy at nighttime when I was scared or sick. This time, she was very feverish, so he sat on the couch with her and cuddled and watched cartoons. He wanted me to be able to sleep...yes, he is pretty great. A few moments later, I heard her screaming for me, so Brad grabbed her and began walking to our bedroom, when it happened....poor Brad was finally "christened"...my poor baby (well both of them!) had gotten sick all over Brad's bare back and the floor. He stood, frozen, not knowing what to do. Normally, Brad is a "chain puker", in fact, when I was pregnant with morning sickness, it made him sick to hear me getting sick. But, my little trooper stood there patiently, while I grabbed towels and the baby and cleaner her up.

I had to leave for work this morning, but both of my poor babies were on the couch, cuddled under blankets, exhausted. I am so thankful for my husband. He truly is amazing, and I don't know what Libby or I would do without him.

Book Review...

So, while I am on temporary hiatus from my IUI attempts, I have decided to read a new infertility book. Its' called, "Outside the Womb-A Moral Guidance for Assisted Reproduction" by Scott B. Rae and D.Joy Riley. The authors are both very conservative Christians, one is a physician and one is a professor of Ethics at a Seminary. I purchased the book at the Christian Bookstore, so I was prepared for the book to be very conservative. I was interested in exploring a more conservative and biblical based view on Assisted Reproductive Technology, since I look at it from a very scientific, medical perspective.

I have to admit that the beginning of the book was very boring and I was bogged down by all of the discussions of ethics and theology. It brought me back to my college years sitting in my intro to Bib Faith and Ethics classes. I have to admit that I briefly skimmed through some of the paragraphs detailing the concept of "Substance and Property-Thinking" which questions whether embryos are truly "persons" or simply "property of the donors".

The book does an excellent job of detailing the Catholic Church's views on Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART). I knew that the Church prohibited IVF, but it was very interesting to read some of the more "official statements" regarding fertility treatments. I have to admit that I am glad that the Protestant Church is a bit more open-minded.

The authors then began a very indepth look and discussion at exactly when an embryo/fetus becomes "human". This is very a important concept when discussing the ideas of disposing of excess embryos, selective termination and abortions for various genetic conditions. The authors suggest that "being human" begins at conception, and hold a very strong stance against selective termination, excess embryos and abortion. I of course, agree with many of their ideas, but am concerned that some readers could take offense at some of their ideas. Specificially, their views on surrogacy, egg and sperm donation and any other use of  "third party reproduction". I caution any readers who have used surrogacy or either egg or sperm donation as means to conceive proceed with caution. I would like to believe that my views are a bit more open minded, and I look at "third party reproduction" as one of the many ways that God can use to help Infertility patients complete their families.

I will summarize the ideas of the authors in one closing passage, "Technology is a gift of God's grace, but must be employed as such, in recognition that it is to be utilized humbly, responibly, and gratefully. As a gift, it offers hope and fulfillment to many couples. But, as with any good thing, its misuse can have adverse ramifications: the panacea of reproductive technologies can inadvertantly become a Pandora's box of long-term detrimental consequences."- Susan M. Haack (2010).