Myth Busting in honor of NIAW...

My Friday began much like any other typical Friday. Hitting the alarm clock, hurrying through my shower, a quick kiss on the cheek to my husband and trying to wrestle with my three year old daughter to get to Preschool on time. Everything was normal except for the day. This particular Friday marked the end of the two week period of time following my third IUI procedure. This “dreaded two week wait” was finally over! I could finally take that long awaited pregnancy test and confirm my suspicions. For the past couple of days, my breasts had become increasingly tender and I had been feeling incredibly fatigued.

I made it to my office and slipped on my lab coat, then headed to the restroom to pee on a stick. I noticed my chart rack was full of patient’s charts, which meant I had a busy morning. So, I quickly peed on the stick, wrapped it up and slid it in my pocket. I didn’t even have the five minutes necessary to wait for the test to complete. I quickly became immersed in a pile of charts and patients. I saw a few pregnant patients, all they while, secretly smiling and knowing that I ,too, would be joining them very soon in the mommy to be club. Finally the morning ended and I sank into my desk chair before remembering I still had that silly pee stick in my lab coat pocket. Excited, I grabbed the stick, and turned it over. Hmmm….well, that’s not what I had expected. There was supposed to be two pink lines. But, instead, there was one, lonely little pink line staring up at me. My heart sank. I was confused. What about the breast tenderness and fatigue?? This cycle was textbook perfect. It didn’t make any sense. Quickly, those old, painful memories and feelings began filling my mind. My stomach began churning and I felt a big, empty pit swelling. My eyes began to fill with tears, and I had to restrain myself from sobbing uncontrollably. I quickly ran to the bathroom to try and compose myself. It just didn’t make any sense. Suddenly, I heard those old familiar voices in my head, well meaning voices who never knew how to comfort me on days like this. Voices and words from family members, colleagues, and friends who tried to console me with old adages and sayings like, “All in God’s timing,… Maybe if you would just relax…Have you thought of adoption?…” Each more painful than the next. All were meant with the absolute best intentions. People just don’t know what to say anymore. Maybe I am just too sensitive. Perhaps, the absolute worst possible way to console me is by suggesting that somehow God’s greater plan doesn’t include me having more children. This brings me to the most painful myth regarding fertility that I would absolutely like to explore.

MYTH: “IF GOD WANTED YOU TO HAVE CHILDREN, YOU WOULD HAVE THEM ALREADY.”

Growing up there are a couple of dreams that every young girl has. First, all little girls dream of their wedding day. Walking down the aisle in a beautiful gown and being swept of her feet by her own Prince Charming. Then, we all envision settling into our little homes with white picket fences and cute little curtains and maybe a dog or a cat. But the one dream that most young girls all desire is to be a mommy. Growing up in a Christian home, I was also taught that God has commanded us to “Go and be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:27). We all knew that we would grow up and get married and have babies. That’s just how it was. So, I found my Prince Charming, married him and settled into a beautiful starter home with my two little dogs and fancy window treatments. We were ready for the next stage of our lives. So, we waited and waited. Nothing happened. Naturally, we visited our OBGYN (or in my case, my collaborating physician) and he suggested that we begin the preliminary workup for infertility. Wow…didn’t expect that. We were young, married, and healthy. We didn’t fit that “infertility“ mold. So, we began the journey of testing, ultrasounds, blood work, medications, a surgery and finally we conceived our little miracle baby. While bringing her home from the hospital, I looked up at my husband and said, “You know, we aren’t done yet. Our family isn’t complete.” He nodded in agreement. We both knew that we intended to have more children.

This journey for baby #2 has been a long and arduous journey. We have almost succeeded (one ectopic pregnancy following IUI #2) and have felt very discouraged. However, there is one verse in the Bible that I must cleave too. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). I have to believe that God wants the best for me, and has given me a very strong desire to have more children. I also believe that God has allowed the advancement of science to help those of us who need a little help in the reproductive department. Infertility is a disease process. It’s a horrible, painful disease that causes both emotional and physical pain and scarring. Just like any other disease process, God has allowed advancements in “treatments” to “treat and cure” infertility. Just like you would never tell a Diabetic, “If God wanted you to live, he would make your Pancreas produce enough insulin,” you should never tell an infertility patient, “If God intended you to have children, he would have already given them too you.” You would never tell a patient with a horrible infection to simply wait and not take antibiotics, you would say, “Go ahead, take this medication as prescribed and you will feel better”. Besides, none of us have the right to speak for God. I believe that God has given me a strong desire to have another child, and just like everything else I have ever prayed for, his answer will either be, “yes, no or wait.” But, I would like for God to make that decision and not me, or any other person trying to find something nice to say. Besides, whatever happened to my favorite old saying, “If you can’t find something nice to say, don’t say anything at all!”

Physical Pain of Infertility

Throughout the IF world and blogs, you hear and read of the emotional pains that are caused by infertility. The horrible pains that IF patients are subjected to month after month is unbearable! Unless you have personally suffered from infertility or pregnancy loss, you can not possibly imagine the depth of pain that it inflicts upon your whole being. It's like this deep pit of sorrow and hurt that can't be filled. You just feel sooo "empty".

There is also the financial pain the infertility causes. Infertility treatments are often not covered by insurance companies. It's so unfortunate. Infertility treatments are very expensive. Just this past year, I have personally spent over $7,000. That's all in cash. You have to pay up front for medications and procedures. No payment plans, no credit cards, all cash. That's a LOT of money to pay and still have no baby to show. That's not even including the co-pays, days of work missed, or gas for driving over 50 miles one way to the doctor appointments every other day.

Nobody ever talks about the physical pain of infertility. First, there are the countless blood draws and transvaginal ultrasounds done every other day first thing in the morning. At night, you have injections with medications that sting and leave bruises on your belly.  Then, there is the HCG "booster" shot that causes ovulation. This injection will cause your already swollen ovaries to burst and throb and ache very badly. The insemination process itself is similar to having a pap smear, but that's unpleasant enough as it is! Then there is the horrible bloating and ovarian pain and cramping caused during the actual ovulation process. Imagine menstrual cramping intensified for two weeks...if you are like me, and develop cyst after ovulation, your ovary can swell to ten times or greater it's normal size and all of the swelling and fluid will cause you to gain 5-10 pounds overnight. Then, while your superhuman ovaries are large and overstimulated, you are unable to exercise or move for fear of an ovarian torsion which is very dangerous!! The ovaries can become so incredibly large that they can actually twist upon themselves and the blood flow is then compromised, this usually results in intense pain that sends you directly to surgery! Along with the hyperstimulation, you are also given doses of progesterone to supplement during your waiting period. This horrible hormone causes breast tenderness, irritability, moodiness, sleepiness...etc...it's like two weeks of the worst possible PMS ever!

So, during fertility treatments, my body is poked, prodded, probed, and it responds by making me bloated, moody and generally unhappy and cranky. My husband is very supportive and helpful, but this has easily been the worst cycle of treatments in our six year marriage. The worst part? This entire painful process may not even end in a successful pregnancy. So, maybe that's why I am so cranky when women complain to me about their "two day cramping before their period starts"...really? Two days??

April is Infertility Awareness Month

In support of Infertility Awareness month, I am participating in a contest to "Bust the Common Infertility Myths". There is a list of common "myths" regarding infertility, and we are supposed to pick one myth to "bust" in a blog post. After reading through the list and contemplating for a couple of days, I have decided on my "myth to bust"....

Myth: "If God wanted you to have children, he would have given them to you?"

As a Christian, I find this statement so incredibly flawed. There are so many different angles that I could attempt to blog about and still not successfully bust this myth. In my profession, I see pregnant women daily who very clearly do not "deserve" children by the world's standards, yet, they are pregnant for the third, fourth or even fifth consecutive times. Unfortunately, I do have to research the other side of the myth.

Just this week in my practice, there was a patient who came in for a follow up after her Essure procedure. The Essure procedure is an in office tubal ligation procedure, and the patient is required to have an HSG 3 months after the procedure to confirm that there is no tubal spillage. This particular patient had a very concrete HSG...however, here she was for her "follow up" and 15 weeks pregnant. Her first words were, "Well, I guess God wanted me to have another baby." This was very hard for me to hear as a woman suffereing from IF.  This is definetly an avenue I need to ponder and research.

6 dpiui...

Well this weekend was pretty rough. I knew by the end of last week that I was fairly sure that I had a couple of ovarian cysts. Well, by Friday night, I was in so much pain and had gained about 5 pounds in fluid. I couldn't button any of my pants and I couldn't eat. I am pretty sure that I have developed a mild case of OHSS. Since Libby was with her aunt this weekend, I loaded up with gatorade and rested on the couch all weekend. Brad was a pretty good support partner, he took care of the household chores and allowed me to rest and recover. This morning, I am feeling a bit better, but still bloated and uncomfortable. I told him on Friday night, " I can handle this if it means I am pregnant. However, if I have to go through this and still not have a baby, I am gonna be seriously upset."

I am trying hard to remain optimistic. Here we are, half way through our two week wait. Yesterday, I felt an overwhelming sense of defeat and depression. The thought of going through this whole process and not getting pregnant is a tough pill to swallow. It's like this big empty pit in my stomach that keeps gnawing away at me.

3 dpiui...

Lots of bloating and cramping again...so uncomfortable...while I am waiting, I did manage to get the pics from Libby's third birthday shoot!! She's growing up way too quickly...

2 DPIUI...

So, here we are in the wait. I wish I had a vacation or something planned during this time to keep me occupied! Last night I was having some pretty intense cramping, and then again this morning... I am trying to be faithful and optimistic. It's hard not to be discouraged and feel defeated month after month. On my online support group, many of the girls have received positive pregnancy tests this week...I am hoping that I am one of the next ones. It doesn't seem to make any sense why it wouldn't work. It just proves that God's hand is involved in the very delicate process of becoming pregnant. I had four great sized, very controlled follicles ovulate, and all of the "pieces" were in place during the right time. It's just a matter of timing and patience. There really is no scientific explanation why super ovulation and timed IUI doesn't work. Sometimes, it just doesn't. So, for the remainder of the upcoming two weeks, I will be on pins and needles, anxiously analyzing every twinge and feeling, desperately grabbing at any potential pregnancy symptoms. I will spend countless hours scouring the Internet for other IUI success stories and early pregnancy symptoms. It's not my first time, so, I know exactly what to expect...the unexpected. My prayer is that this is successful and I am able to have a healthy, happy pregnancy. In the words of Libby, "Please God-send me a baby for Christmas."

THE BIG DAY!

So today was THE DAY! IUI #3. On Saturday, we went to the clinic bright and early for our scan, had at least four good follicles that were developing nicely, but the RE wanted to "coast me" for one more night to increase the size and chance of maturity of each follicle. So, Sunday night was the trigger injection at 10:30pm. Yesterday, the girls at work scanned my little follies, and there were two over 20mm and at least two more that were larger than 16. So, that combined with my estradiol level suggests that I will ovulate 4 good follicles this cycle. :) That's the most my clinic will allow for an IUI cycle to diminish chances of high order multiples. Isn't it ironic that every cycle they warn me about "multiples" but I have yet to get one baby out of it?

So, I was a nervous wreck last night and unable to sleep. There was a horrible storm that kept me up and my nerves were shot. We arrived at the clinic at 9 am so that Brad could have "his appointment" and then we headed to Waffle House for a nice breakfast. I was so glad that he was able to be with me this time and literally hold my hand through the procedure. After breakfast we headed back to the clinic.

They called me back and led me to my room. Our counts were great, 20 million, 100% motility and grade 4 after the spinning. (Sorry, if this is tmi, but I would like to remember for my records.) The RE came in and said he was pleased with our sample and also my follicular response. I asked him about the risks of another ectopic, and unfortunately, it's a risk. So, they are going to monitor me very closely. For some reason, if this cycle is a bust, he wants to discuss another laparoscopy to evaluate any damage from the first ectopic. Since we know I have at least one tube still open, he wanted to try a cycle before the surgery. Before he left, he shook my hand and said, "Good luck, our fingers are crossed for you. Call me when you miss your period." I think he's optimistic. So am I. So, now we begin the next phase of the waiting game...