The Pullens...

A little "Libby Love"

2011-10-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

I am already four months pregnant. This pregnancy has gone by much more quickly. I have to believe that the reason this is going by more quickly is because I have Libby to keep me preoccupied! She is very opinionated and wants a say regarding naming the baby. She is quick to tell us what names that she likes and the ones that she doesn't like! She simply tells us, "Mommy, that is NOT a pretty name for my baby!" We are trying to keep her involved, however, naming the Baby Cinderella Belle is NOT an option! :)

Last week we went to Cracker Barrel for dinner with my mom. Mom and I both had to run to the bathroom, and we brought Libby with us. She refused to go into either of the stalls, so she waited by the sink for me to finish. I heard her humming and singing with her stuffed animal until she finally said, "Um...does anybody even realize that I am probably not old enough to be in here by MYSELF??!!" Mom and I both died laughing.

My small group went to see the movie COURAGEOUS last night. I have to admit that it was a total tearjerker! The movie was absolutely amazing and the message was beautifully conveyed by the story. I believe we all went home and hugged our babies a little bit tighter afterwards. The movie has really caused me to reevaluate my perspective on parenting. How many times has Libby begged me to play with her or sing to her, and I am elbow deep in cooking or laundry, and I make her wait. One day, Libby is gonna be too old to play with me and I am gonna miss those moments. I need to cherish them...they are passing way too quickly. I can't get those moments back...so, next time my princess asks me to dance, you better believe I am gonna let her step all over my toes!

My divas...

2011-10-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

So, it's been awhile since my last blog. I have had A LOT going on in my wild and crazy life. Most importantly, Brad and I are beyond excited to report that we are finally expecting again! Our second little princess should be here the end of March. Libby has been praying every night for a baby sister for quite some time, so it should have come as no surprise to us that this little Pullen is another darling diva! My poor father and husband...they can't even BUY a little boy ;)We are all incredibly excited and blessed to have the newest member to join our family. Of course, considering that Miss Libby already has demonstrated quite the diva behavior, we can't wait to see what the little one is like! Speaking of Miss Libby's diva behavior...

A few weeks ago, Libby's teacher was delighted to share with me a Miss Libby story that had them laughing all day. Apparently, Libby was playing dolls with another little friend and Libby was nice enough to share her doll with her friend. Her friend, Gracie, told Libby,"Thank you for sharing with me". Libby promptly corrected her, "No, Gracie, you say, 'Why thank you,YOUR MAJESTY!"

A few weeks later, my mom had to bring a new pair of shoes to Libby at school. When she arrived, the teacher told my mom, "Libby tells us she is soo excited about the wedding." My mom assumed they were referring to Amanda's upcoming nuptials, nodded and smiled, "We are all so happy". The teacher then continued to say, "Well, we thought her parent's were already married, but Libby tells us she is so excited that her daddy is finally marrying her mommy becuase she is pregnant!" At this point, my mom's jaw dropped and she began to explain that I have been married to Libby's father for several years now... :)I then had to come home and show Libby photos from our wedding, which occurred SEVEN years ago.

So, the Pullens are well and excited about the next chapter of our story. Stay tuned, I am sure Libby has a few more "tricks" up her sleeve...

She does have a sweet side :)

2011-06-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

Last night, Libby and I were watching Toy Story 3 before bed. She loves the movie and has seen it MULTIPLE times. At the end of the movie, the antagonist, Lotso Bear, was in a scene where he was being particularly "naughty" to the other toys. Libby was watching intently, when she looked up and said, "You know what mommy? I think Lotso is a bully! And it's really not nice to be a bully." It was very sweet to realize that my baby does understand the concept of "being a bully" and recognizes that it's not a desirable trait. Having said this, I was informed last week that she and a friend of hers at school, were put in time out after they were laughing at the kids who were in time out. I guess you can't win them all!

We also bought Libby a new poodle to love and dote on. Brad and I were a bit hesitant at bringing a new dog into the family, but Libby has been begging for one. She loves our little dachshund, Lilly, but Lilly is getting up there in age and doesn't play like she used to. There are many evenings when Libby will throw balls or toys to Lilly, while she is content to lay on the couch and sleep. I have to admit, she is pretty good with the puppy. We are teaching her to carry it, feed her, take her outside and bathe her. The little puppy is pretty darn cute and follows her around lovingly. The poodle, Zoe, has kept us up the past few nights. I am hoping that the two of will become fast friends and she will provide years of companionship for my little princess.

My little princess

2011-06-15T06:56:00.001-07:00

So, I have officially become obsessed with trying to get pregnant with baby #2. I don't like it. I am ready to be pregnant, have my last baby and get on with my life. I feel like I am missing out on so much, because I am so focused on getting pregnant again. However, until I have my baby in my arms, I don't feel like I will be "at peace". So, until then, we wait.

Today, was "tacky day" at Libby's school. This morning, I asked her what she wanted to wear. She looked at me very seriously and said, "Mommy, I'm skinny, and I don't DO tacky. I would rather dress like a princess." So, off she went in search of a "cute" dress to wear with her gold jeweled sandals. What am I going to do with her? She is so incredibly delightful and spoiled rotten :)

Blessings....

2011-05-25T06:13:00.000-07:00

I am so excited that I am about to burst!!! Over the past several weeks, Brad and I have been trying to save and cut corners in order to proceed with the next step in our fertility journey. We know that after my laparoscopy, our next few months are the absolute best chance we have at getting pregnant. So, we want to make the most of our time! We are seeking a second opinion regarding where we go from this point on. I am not sure how much I am gonna be telling people about where we go from here.

Regardless...

Last night, Brad and I recieved the "Fleece" we have been praying for! Our current mortgage is a huge burden on us. Our house payment is astronomical!! It's very taxing and it's a burden we should not have taken on four years ago. We should have planned and purchased a smaller home with a smaller mortgage... So,for the past year and a half we have been trying to remodify our mortgage, lower our interest rate, whatever we can do to lower our payment. It's been a huge hassle! Yesterday, Brad received the news that our interest rate has been dropped to 2.5%. This saves us over $500 a month!! $500!! I am so incredibly excited, I am about to burst with joy at this point. I know that this is the sign we have been praying for. The money we have been waiting for to put towards our dream baby! Thank you GOD!!

My pride and joy...

2011-05-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

So, last week while I was preparing for my surgery, I had a very interesting talk with my sweet little one. She was in the bathroom, sitting on the potty (her best thinking spot!) when she looked up and said,"Mommy? When is my baby coming home?"

Oh, brother! I calmly replied,"Well, sweetie, looks like it's gonna be awhile before we get to bring home a baby."

She thought for another moment and said,"Well, I sink (think) that the baby can have my blue room (her playroom) to sleep in."

"Oh, baby, that would be very sweet of you."

She thought for another moment..."Mommy?"

"Yes, Lib..."

"Can you teach me how to scratch backs?"

"What Lib?"

"You, know, I need you to teach me how to scratch backs. I know how to rub backs, but if I am gonna get a baby, I need to learn how to scratch backs too. That's what babies like."

At this point, I was tearing up a bit, "Of course, sweetie. I will definitely teach you how to scratch backs."

How amazing is my sweet little one?

My due date

2011-05-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

It would be wrong of me not to acknowledge this day. Today was then due date of our baby #2. If I ignore this day, then I am ignoring the existence of our second pregnancy. I know many people choose not to even acknowledge an early pregnancy loss... however, I have read enough scriptures to completely believe that even God recognizes souls while they are still being formed in the "most secret place". I am sad today. It would be inconceivable to try to act tough and "brush it off" today. Even though I will never get to meet my precious little one, I take comfort in knowing that he is waiting to meet me one day.

I can't pretend to be okay today. I can't pretend to understand why I wasn't allowed to keep my baby. I can't pretend that its fair, because its not fair. It's not fair that I lost my baby, and meanwhile, there are millions of babies that are aborted to mothers who are undeserving of the precious gift they have been given. I take comfort in my loved ones and the baby I do have, but it doesn't make me mourn my loss any less. That would be wrong and unfair to my second baby. I deserve the opportunity to mourn...its an emotion and well documented in Scriptures. I will never be over the loss. I'm sorry, its just not gonna happen.

The big day...laparoscopy #3

2011-05-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend was horrible for me. I have been a nervous wreck, unable to eat or sleep. I have had multiple nightmares involving my surgery. It's crazy to think that this is the most nervous I have ever been regarding a surgery and I have had multiple surgical procedures (including one that left me with over 70 sutures and a numb leg after removing a very difficult tumor). It didn't help that yesterday was the "bowel prep", and I felt MISERABLE the entire day, hungry, crampy and genuinely unhappy and unpleasant. I didn't sleep a wink last night, between the nightmares, nerves and ongoing trips to the bathroom.

So, my alarm clock finally went off at 4:30 this morning and I was horrified. Luckily, the morning went by fairly quickly so I didn't have much time to be nervous. When my doctor came by to visit before the surgery I reminded him, "Please DO NOT remove anything!" He smiled and said, "We are gonna think positively and hope for the best!" I turned to the anesthetist and told her to give me something REALLY strong. She just smiled. Soon, I was kissing my husband and they were wheeling me off to surgery. I turned to the OR circulator and the anesthetist and told them, "Please do NOT let him remove my tube, just remind him while we are in there."

The doctor was waiting in surgery with a med student and a resident, I once again turned and said, "Remember doc, don't remove ANYTHING!" He just smiled. I would have loved to know what was said when I finally fell asleep...

Next thing I remember, I woke up with horrible shakes and turned to the nurse in recovery and quickly asked if they had removed my tubes. She just smiled and said, "No sweetie, they didn't remove anything!"

I was so excited I wanted to kiss her! However, my horrible shakes prevented me from moving. She gave me a dose of Dilauded and I relaxed a bit. When my husband and mom finally made it to recovery, I must have asked them twenty times about the tubes, they calmly reminded me that he had not removed anything at all. Apparently, my endometriosis was a bit worse than it was last year, which is probably what is preventing me from getting pregnant. Most importantly, my tubes looked wonderful!! He told my family he was going to be fairly aggressive with my super ovulation and IUI for the next three tries. I am incredibly relieved and optimistic.

Seriously?????

2011-04-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

So, went for my pre-op appointment this morning. Since it will be my third laparoscopy, I sorta consider myself an "old pro" by now. I even told hubby not to come with me, he needs to save his "personal time" for the surgery and the follow up appointments. Big mistake! I showed up, they took my vitals and ushered me into the RE's office. He sits me down and we begin the preliminary "pre-op" speech. I have given this speech a dozen times myself to other patients while performing pre-op exams and consults. I know all the risks and signed all of the papers. Everything was on auto pilot until I heard the word "salpingectomy".

"Whoa!"

RE stops and smiles, "Yes?"

"Um, you mentioned a salpingectomy?"

Peering down through his round little glasses, " Well, yes, I am gonna need you to sign this little line that allows me to perform a salpingectomy if needed."

"You mean, remove my tube?"

"Well, yes, assuming that only one tube is compromised from the scarring from the ectopic, we would only need to remove one tube."

My heart sank. He actually thinks he is gonna remove a fallopian tube? My fallopian tube?? And he wants me to sign a paper to agree to it? Where is my husband when I need him? I can't sign this paper. He might actually remove a tube. I could potentially wake up from surgery and be missing a very key portion of my female anatomy. The worst part? I have to sign the form knowing that I won't be able to wake up to make that decision. I will be put under general anesthesia and the doctor will be the one who decides if my tube stays or goes without consulting me first. Granted, I do trust him. At least, I think I do. Of course he agrees that removing a tube is only "if absolutely needed", but at what costs? I really wish I would have brought my husband or at least somebody else to ask important questions...after all, I think I was in shock. But, what choice do I have? If the tube is scarred, my chances of having another ectopic are much higher.

So, I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed and praying very hard that I get to come out of surgery with all of my parts still intact. My worst fear is waking up from surgery and hearing horrible stories of bleeding, and emergency hysterectomy...I know it's a very long shot, but I guess hearing about the potential of losing a tube has really shaken me up.

Note to self: bring the hubby next time.

How IF has defined me...

2011-04-25T06:17:00.000-07:00

So, I have recently decided to take a break from Facebook. It's a big step for me. For years now, while eating breakfast, I would surf the latest updates, and check up on friends. It's how we stay in touch with family and friends from around the globe and it's how we share pics and stories of our everyday life.

During the month of April, I have been posting several articles and blogs about infertility. April is National Infertility Awareness Month, and it was the month of my third IUI. So, naturally, my thoughts and every spare minute has been spent on RESOLVE's website and the INSPIRE support group boards. I find great comfort in surrounding myself (even if only in cyberspace) with friends and allies who are going through the same trials and tribulations that I am. It doesn't help that in my professional life, my days are filled with whiny, pregnant women and unplanned teenage pregnancies that often end in abortion.

Apparently, my blogs and postings have begun to "annoy" some people on my friends list. They have commented and messaged me about my incessant infertility posts. Some have even made vague, but hurtful, comments regarding my posts. So, after dwelling on my posts for a couple of days, I have decided that I need a break. I don't understand, if women are allowed to post status updates about their "baby bumps" and "pregnancy woes", why am I not allowed to post informative blogs and articles regarding infertility? Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Whatever happened to "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?" And if my posts are so annoying, why don't you just ignore them or skip over them? Who knows, maybe somebody else out there would like to read the information in the articles.

So, looking back at my many Facebook status updates, I have begun to reflect upon how Infertility has really impacted my life. In all fairness, I should say "secondary infertility". After all, I have a beautiful and healthy three year old, who was indeed, my little miracle.

HOW IF HAS SHAPED AND DEFINED ME:

1. Infertility has made me a better mother. I honestly believe that having to wait so long for my little one has made me more appreciative of her and the time I have with her. I cherish every minute of being her mother and love every little bit of her. I often see parents who get frustrated with their children and seem to "take them for granted". Many are annoyed by their children and seem to be inconvenienced by them. My little one was conceived after years of prayers, sleepless nights and waiting. I will never take for granted the miracle that took place when she was born, and I have enjoyed every last minute of being a mother.

2. Infertility has made me a better practitioner. Even though it's very frustrating while taking care of whiny pregnant women, and especially whiny pregnant teenagers, infertility has taught me a great deal about patience. I realize that pregnancy and motherhood is a great gift, and I try to teach that to all of my patients.

3. Infertility has taught me patience. I guess that old saying, "anything worth having is worth waiting for" is really true in regards to parenthood. It seems that while waiting to expand my family, all I do is wait. I wait for my cycle to start, wait for my medication to take effect, wait for my IUI, wait for two weeks for my pregnancy test, wait again for my cycle to start, wait to save enough money for the next round of treatments...wait...wait....wait.

4. Infertility has brought me closer to my husband. While battling infertility, every part of my marriage has been tested. My husband and I have invited strangers into the most intimate parts of our relationship in order to help facilitate the expansion of our family. We have doctors telling us "how to do it, and when or when not to do it". We have been pushed to the exhaustion of our financial, emotional and physical resources. We have spent hours, crying, hugging, talking and consoling each other. I have realized what a great partner that I truly have. I wouldn't want to walk this path with anybody but my Brad.

5. Infertility has taught me that I am stronger than I ever would have anticipated. Through the years of hurt, both physical and emotional, infertility has pushed me to the most extreme limits. I have had the best of times (the birth of my daughter) and the lowest of times (the ectopic pregnancy this past fall). Most importantly, I have survived the worst of these times and have emerged a stronger person. Looking back now, I don't really know how I survived many of those dark days of pain and tears, but I did.

So, as I look back and reflect upon the recent posts of this month, I realize that I do obsess over our "secondary infertility". However, either you accept me for what I am, or all you have to do is "defriend me". Infertility is a big ugly scab that has scarred me for many years now. Everybody has baggage, this is mine. Take it or leave it.

Brad's "Christening"

2011-04-22T06:13:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been long overdue...I feel like Brad has officially been welcomed into the "Daddy club". I know, after three years, you would think he would be a professional by now. However, there has been one last event that has failed to occur in our little home...until last night.

We knew Libby wasn't feeling well last night, she went to bed grouchy and cranky, and woke up at midnight in tears. She never wets the bed, but she had wet the bed and was screaming for "Daddy!!!" So, my sweet little husband got up and dutifully attended to her, changing her clothes and cuddling her back to sleep. She woke up again some time after 4 am screaming for Brad again. Once again, he rolled out of bed and groggily raced to her room. Why is it she screams for him at night??? I am not really sure, although, I distinctly remember yelling for my daddy at nighttime when I was scared or sick. This time, she was very feverish, so he sat on the couch with her and cuddled and watched cartoons. He wanted me to be able to sleep...yes, he is pretty great. A few moments later, I heard her screaming for me, so Brad grabbed her and began walking to our bedroom, when it happened....poor Brad was finally "christened"...my poor baby (well both of them!) had gotten sick all over Brad's bare back and the floor. He stood, frozen, not knowing what to do. Normally, Brad is a "chain puker", in fact, when I was pregnant with morning sickness, it made him sick to hear me getting sick. But, my little trooper stood there patiently, while I grabbed towels and the baby and cleaner her up.

I had to leave for work this morning, but both of my poor babies were on the couch, cuddled under blankets, exhausted. I am so thankful for my husband. He truly is amazing, and I don't know what Libby or I would do without him.

Book Review...

2011-04-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

So, while I am on temporary hiatus from my IUI attempts, I have decided to read a new infertility book. Its' called, "Outside the Womb-A Moral Guidance for Assisted Reproduction" by Scott B. Rae and D.Joy Riley. The authors are both very conservative Christians, one is a physician and one is a professor of Ethics at a Seminary. I purchased the book at the Christian Bookstore, so I was prepared for the book to be very conservative. I was interested in exploring a more conservative and biblical based view on Assisted Reproductive Technology, since I look at it from a very scientific, medical perspective.

I have to admit that the beginning of the book was very boring and I was bogged down by all of the discussions of ethics and theology. It brought me back to my college years sitting in my intro to Bib Faith and Ethics classes. I have to admit that I briefly skimmed through some of the paragraphs detailing the concept of "Substance and Property-Thinking" which questions whether embryos are truly "persons" or simply "property of the donors".

The book does an excellent job of detailing the Catholic Church's views on Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART). I knew that the Church prohibited IVF, but it was very interesting to read some of the more "official statements" regarding fertility treatments. I have to admit that I am glad that the Protestant Church is a bit more open-minded.

The authors then began a very indepth look and discussion at exactly when an embryo/fetus becomes "human". This is very a important concept when discussing the ideas of disposing of excess embryos, selective termination and abortions for various genetic conditions. The authors suggest that "being human" begins at conception, and hold a very strong stance against selective termination, excess embryos and abortion. I of course, agree with many of their ideas, but am concerned that some readers could take offense at some of their ideas. Specificially, their views on surrogacy, egg and sperm donation and any other use of "third party reproduction". I caution any readers who have used surrogacy or either egg or sperm donation as means to conceive proceed with caution. I would like to believe that my views are a bit more open minded, and I look at "third party reproduction" as one of the many ways that God can use to help Infertility patients complete their families.

I will summarize the ideas of the authors in one closing passage, "Technology is a gift of God's grace, but must be employed as such, in recognition that it is to be utilized humbly, responibly, and gratefully. As a gift, it offers hope and fulfillment to many couples. But, as with any good thing, its misuse can have adverse ramifications: the panacea of reproductive technologies can inadvertantly become a Pandora's box of long-term detrimental consequences."- Susan M. Haack (2010).

Myth Busting in honor of NIAW...

2011-04-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

My Friday began much like any other typical Friday. Hitting the alarm clock, hurrying through my shower, a quick kiss on the cheek to my husband and trying to wrestle with my three year old daughter to get to Preschool on time. Everything was normal except for the day. This particular Friday marked the end of the two week period of time following my third IUI procedure. This “dreaded two week wait” was finally over! I could finally take that long awaited pregnancy test and confirm my suspicions. For the past couple of days, my breasts had become increasingly tender and I had been feeling incredibly fatigued.

I made it to my office and slipped on my lab coat, then headed to the restroom to pee on a stick. I noticed my chart rack was full of patient’s charts, which meant I had a busy morning. So, I quickly peed on the stick, wrapped it up and slid it in my pocket. I didn’t even have the five minutes necessary to wait for the test to complete. I quickly became immersed in a pile of charts and patients. I saw a few pregnant patients, all they while, secretly smiling and knowing that I ,too, would be joining them very soon in the mommy to be club. Finally the morning ended and I sank into my desk chair before remembering I still had that silly pee stick in my lab coat pocket. Excited, I grabbed the stick, and turned it over. Hmmm….well, that’s not what I had expected. There was supposed to be two pink lines. But, instead, there was one, lonely little pink line staring up at me. My heart sank. I was confused. What about the breast tenderness and fatigue?? This cycle was textbook perfect. It didn’t make any sense. Quickly, those old, painful memories and feelings began filling my mind. My stomach began churning and I felt a big, empty pit swelling. My eyes began to fill with tears, and I had to restrain myself from sobbing uncontrollably. I quickly ran to the bathroom to try and compose myself. It just didn’t make any sense. Suddenly, I heard those old familiar voices in my head, well meaning voices who never knew how to comfort me on days like this. Voices and words from family members, colleagues, and friends who tried to console me with old adages and sayings like, “All in God’s timing,… Maybe if you would just relax…Have you thought of adoption?…” Each more painful than the next. All were meant with the absolute best intentions. People just don’t know what to say anymore. Maybe I am just too sensitive. Perhaps, the absolute worst possible way to console me is by suggesting that somehow God’s greater plan doesn’t include me having more children. This brings me to the most painful myth regarding fertility that I would absolutely like to explore.

MYTH: “IF GOD WANTED YOU TO HAVE CHILDREN, YOU WOULD HAVE THEM ALREADY.”

Growing up there are a couple of dreams that every young girl has. First, all little girls dream of their wedding day. Walking down the aisle in a beautiful gown and being swept of her feet by her own Prince Charming. Then, we all envision settling into our little homes with white picket fences and cute little curtains and maybe a dog or a cat. But the one dream that most young girls all desire is to be a mommy. Growing up in a Christian home, I was also taught that God has commanded us to “Go and be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:27). We all knew that we would grow up and get married and have babies. That’s just how it was. So, I found my Prince Charming, married him and settled into a beautiful starter home with my two little dogs and fancy window treatments. We were ready for the next stage of our lives. So, we waited and waited. Nothing happened. Naturally, we visited our OBGYN (or in my case, my collaborating physician) and he suggested that we begin the preliminary workup for infertility. Wow…didn’t expect that. We were young, married, and healthy. We didn’t fit that “infertility“ mold. So, we began the journey of testing, ultrasounds, blood work, medications, a surgery and finally we conceived our little miracle baby. While bringing her home from the hospital, I looked up at my husband and said, “You know, we aren’t done yet. Our family isn’t complete.” He nodded in agreement. We both knew that we intended to have more children.

This journey for baby #2 has been a long and arduous journey. We have almost succeeded (one ectopic pregnancy following IUI #2) and have felt very discouraged. However, there is one verse in the Bible that I must cleave too. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). I have to believe that God wants the best for me, and has given me a very strong desire to have more children. I also believe that God has allowed the advancement of science to help those of us who need a little help in the reproductive department. Infertility is a disease process. It’s a horrible, painful disease that causes both emotional and physical pain and scarring. Just like any other disease process, God has allowed advancements in “treatments” to “treat and cure” infertility. Just like you would never tell a Diabetic, “If God wanted you to live, he would make your Pancreas produce enough insulin,” you should never tell an infertility patient, “If God intended you to have children, he would have already given them too you.” You would never tell a patient with a horrible infection to simply wait and not take antibiotics, you would say, “Go ahead, take this medication as prescribed and you will feel better”. Besides, none of us have the right to speak for God. I believe that God has given me a strong desire to have another child, and just like everything else I have ever prayed for, his answer will either be, “yes, no or wait.” But, I would like for God to make that decision and not me, or any other person trying to find something nice to say. Besides, whatever happened to my favorite old saying, “If you can’t find something nice to say, don’t say anything at all!”

Physical Pain of Infertility

2011-04-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

Throughout the IF world and blogs, you hear and read of the emotional pains that are caused by infertility. The horrible pains that IF patients are subjected to month after month is unbearable! Unless you have personally suffered from infertility or pregnancy loss, you can not possibly imagine the depth of pain that it inflicts upon your whole being. It's like this deep pit of sorrow and hurt that can't be filled. You just feel sooo "empty".

There is also the financial pain the infertility causes. Infertility treatments are often not covered by insurance companies. It's so unfortunate. Infertility treatments are very expensive. Just this past year, I have personally spent over $7,000. That's all in cash. You have to pay up front for medications and procedures. No payment plans, no credit cards, all cash. That's a LOT of money to pay and still have no baby to show. That's not even including the co-pays, days of work missed, or gas for driving over 50 miles one way to the doctor appointments every other day.

Nobody ever talks about the physical pain of infertility. First, there are the countless blood draws and transvaginal ultrasounds done every other day first thing in the morning. At night, you have injections with medications that sting and leave bruises on your belly. Then, there is the HCG "booster" shot that causes ovulation. This injection will cause your already swollen ovaries to burst and throb and ache very badly. The insemination process itself is similar to having a pap smear, but that's unpleasant enough as it is! Then there is the horrible bloating and ovarian pain and cramping caused during the actual ovulation process. Imagine menstrual cramping intensified for two weeks...if you are like me, and develop cyst after ovulation, your ovary can swell to ten times or greater it's normal size and all of the swelling and fluid will cause you to gain 5-10 pounds overnight. Then, while your superhuman ovaries are large and overstimulated, you are unable to exercise or move for fear of an ovarian torsion which is very dangerous!! The ovaries can become so incredibly large that they can actually twist upon themselves and the blood flow is then compromised, this usually results in intense pain that sends you directly to surgery! Along with the hyperstimulation, you are also given doses of progesterone to supplement during your waiting period. This horrible hormone causes breast tenderness, irritability, moodiness, sleepiness...etc...it's like two weeks of the worst possible PMS ever!

So, during fertility treatments, my body is poked, prodded, probed, and it responds by making me bloated, moody and generally unhappy and cranky. My husband is very supportive and helpful, but this has easily been the worst cycle of treatments in our six year marriage. The worst part? This entire painful process may not even end in a successful pregnancy. So, maybe that's why I am so cranky when women complain to me about their "two day cramping before their period starts"...really? Two days??

April is Infertility Awareness Month

2011-04-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

In support of Infertility Awareness month, I am participating in a contest to "Bust the Common Infertility Myths". There is a list of common "myths" regarding infertility, and we are supposed to pick one myth to "bust" in a blog post. After reading through the list and contemplating for a couple of days, I have decided on my "myth to bust"....

Myth: "If God wanted you to have children, he would have given them to you?"

As a Christian, I find this statement so incredibly flawed. There are so many different angles that I could attempt to blog about and still not successfully bust this myth. In my profession, I see pregnant women daily who very clearly do not "deserve" children by the world's standards, yet, they are pregnant for the third, fourth or even fifth consecutive times. Unfortunately, I do have to research the other side of the myth.

Just this week in my practice, there was a patient who came in for a follow up after her Essure procedure. The Essure procedure is an in office tubal ligation procedure, and the patient is required to have an HSG 3 months after the procedure to confirm that there is no tubal spillage. This particular patient had a very concrete HSG...however, here she was for her "follow up" and 15 weeks pregnant. Her first words were, "Well, I guess God wanted me to have another baby." This was very hard for me to hear as a woman suffereing from IF. This is definetly an avenue I need to ponder and research.

6 dpiui...

2011-04-11T05:35:00.000-07:00

Well this weekend was pretty rough. I knew by the end of last week that I was fairly sure that I had a couple of ovarian cysts. Well, by Friday night, I was in so much pain and had gained about 5 pounds in fluid. I couldn't button any of my pants and I couldn't eat. I am pretty sure that I have developed a mild case of OHSS. Since Libby was with her aunt this weekend, I loaded up with gatorade and rested on the couch all weekend. Brad was a pretty good support partner, he took care of the household chores and allowed me to rest and recover. This morning, I am feeling a bit better, but still bloated and uncomfortable. I told him on Friday night, " I can handle this if it means I am pregnant. However, if I have to go through this and still not have a baby, I am gonna be seriously upset."

I am trying hard to remain optimistic. Here we are, half way through our two week wait. Yesterday, I felt an overwhelming sense of defeat and depression. The thought of going through this whole process and not getting pregnant is a tough pill to swallow. It's like this big empty pit in my stomach that keeps gnawing away at me.

3 dpiui...

2011-04-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

Lots of bloating and cramping again...so uncomfortable...while I am waiting, I did manage to get the pics from Libby's third birthday shoot!! She's growing up way too quickly...

2 DPIUI...

2011-04-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

So, here we are in the wait. I wish I had a vacation or something planned during this time to keep me occupied! Last night I was having some pretty intense cramping, and then again this morning... I am trying to be faithful and optimistic. It's hard not to be discouraged and feel defeated month after month. On my online support group, many of the girls have received positive pregnancy tests this week...I am hoping that I am one of the next ones. It doesn't seem to make any sense why it wouldn't work. It just proves that God's hand is involved in the very delicate process of becoming pregnant. I had four great sized, very controlled follicles ovulate, and all of the "pieces" were in place during the right time. It's just a matter of timing and patience. There really is no scientific explanation why super ovulation and timed IUI doesn't work. Sometimes, it just doesn't. So, for the remainder of the upcoming two weeks, I will be on pins and needles, anxiously analyzing every twinge and feeling, desperately grabbing at any potential pregnancy symptoms. I will spend countless hours scouring the Internet for other IUI success stories and early pregnancy symptoms. It's not my first time, so, I know exactly what to expect...the unexpected. My prayer is that this is successful and I am able to have a healthy, happy pregnancy. In the words of Libby, "Please God-send me a baby for Christmas."

THE BIG DAY!

2011-04-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

So today was THE DAY! IUI #3. On Saturday, we went to the clinic bright and early for our scan, had at least four good follicles that were developing nicely, but the RE wanted to "coast me" for one more night to increase the size and chance of maturity of each follicle. So, Sunday night was the trigger injection at 10:30pm. Yesterday, the girls at work scanned my little follies, and there were two over 20mm and at least two more that were larger than 16. So, that combined with my estradiol level suggests that I will ovulate 4 good follicles this cycle. :) That's the most my clinic will allow for an IUI cycle to diminish chances of high order multiples. Isn't it ironic that every cycle they warn me about "multiples" but I have yet to get one baby out of it?

So, I was a nervous wreck last night and unable to sleep. There was a horrible storm that kept me up and my nerves were shot. We arrived at the clinic at 9 am so that Brad could have "his appointment" and then we headed to Waffle House for a nice breakfast. I was so glad that he was able to be with me this time and literally hold my hand through the procedure. After breakfast we headed back to the clinic.

They called me back and led me to my room. Our counts were great, 20 million, 100% motility and grade 4 after the spinning. (Sorry, if this is tmi, but I would like to remember for my records.) The RE came in and said he was pleased with our sample and also my follicular response. I asked him about the risks of another ectopic, and unfortunately, it's a risk. So, they are going to monitor me very closely. For some reason, if this cycle is a bust, he wants to discuss another laparoscopy to evaluate any damage from the first ectopic. Since we know I have at least one tube still open, he wanted to try a cycle before the surgery. Before he left, he shook my hand and said, "Good luck, our fingers are crossed for you. Call me when you miss your period." I think he's optimistic. So am I. So, now we begin the next phase of the waiting game...

CD 8 Scan...

2011-03-31T06:18:00.000-07:00

Well, at least the nurses didn't bruise me up too badly today while drawing my blood! They got it the first stick, although they did have to dig around a bit...ouch! The scan looks great, lining was about 11.6 mm, and my right side had at least three good size follicles between 13-14, the left side was kinda boring, but I am not gonna complain! I will take what I can get!

**** edit****

So, the nurse called to inform me that my estrogen levels have more than doubled, they want me to decrease my meds to 50 units for the next two nights and then I go back for a scan on Saturday, assuming everything looks good, my IUI will be on Monday!! YAY!

CD 6....first scan

2011-03-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

So, basically there is nothing too terribly exciting going on with my ovaries. The story of my life.... ;) I am waiting to hear from the RE office to see if he has adjusted my follistim at all. The past couple of tries, we usually stayed on the Follistim 100 units for a few days, and then gradually decreased to 75 units. I have to admit that I am feeling pretty bloated and grumpy. It's either the hormones, fatigue or allergies...or maybe a combination! We have revival at church this week, which is great, however, it means I get little time at home. I am tired and already ready for the weekend! My housework is piling up and so is the laundry. Since I am stimming with meds now, I am going every other day for labwork and scans about 45 minutes away, and I am not getting home until 9 pm. I have no time to exercise, and no time to cuddle with my little princess. Maybe that's why I am so grumpy and tired! :)

CD 5...

2011-03-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

Here we are...CD 5. I began my follistim injections on Saturday. I was so excited to get the package of them and so very eager to begin. Tomorrow is my first follicle count. I don't expect too much, but I am hoping that it's a good start. I am very excited about this month. I am feeling optimistic. I would like to be able to document everything, so that one day I am able to print this blog and present it to my precious miracle baby. I want the baby(ies) to know how much I wanted him/her. I am eagerly awaiting that day. So, until then, I will continue to blog and share my journey, in hopes that one day it will be printed and bound and wrapped up for a precious little one.

Here we go...third time is the charm!

2011-03-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am going tomorrow for my baseline scan to begin IUI round #3. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is finally our month! I am praying and trying to remain optimistic. The first IUI resulted in an abdomen full of cysts and the second one resulted in the ectopic, so surely the third time is the "ONE"! Right? So, I'm eagerly awaiting tomorrow morning, knowing that this is one step closer to "completing my family".

This morning, while getting ready for work, I put Libby in bed with Brad to "snuggle while she was waking up". Just snuggling with her is some of the best medicine. Last night, she and I were talking about why we say prayers and Thank God for our food. I explained to her that some kids don't have enough money for food to eat and she was blessed becuase her mommy and daddy work hard to provide for her. She asked if the "kids with no monies" had bad mommies and daddies. I said, "No, maybe they just can't find jobs or their jobs don't pay very well." She thought for a moment and looked up, "Mommy, I have some monies in my piggy to give to the kids to get food." My heart just melted. Maybe we are doing something right with her! :)

Waiting....again...

2011-03-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

So, here we are in the unfortunate waiting game again. It's tough. At least I have been a bit preoccupied this week with my new job. I am more than happy with where God has planted me. I'm so thankful that after the stressful past several months, it looks like smooth sailing! Who knows? Maybe being removed from a stressful environment will be the greatest fertility booster!

It's creeping up to the anticipated date that I would have delivered baby #2. Even though I am in a much better emotional place then I was 6 months ago, this is still a fresh wound for me. To think that I was so close to holding another baby, and then it was literally taken from me, it's a hard pill to swallow. I don't know what the "healthy" emotional state is for me to be in. I know that I have to "move on" and "live in the moment", but am I going to be in another "funk" as the day of my official "due date" approaches? I don't know enough about the grief process to figure out which stage I am in. Surely you get some sort of a "break" around the important dates. I imagine that as May approaches, the thoughts will increase, and then after the date passes, I will be okay again. At least, that's what I am hoping for! I feel like I am coping fairly well. Considering that during the time of the pregnancy I was going through a personal Hell at work, I think I managed to come through relatively well. At least, I think I did. I don't think I am one of those ladies who can quickly recover from a loss and be okay right away.

Libby helps. I feel the worst when I am lying in bed thinking, or when I allow my self to wander through the "baby section" at Target. I feel the best when I am snuggling with Libby, my miracle, and kissing and hugging her until she screams. I feel the best with Brad, when he is singing or making me laugh. I feel the best when I am with my sisters, laughing and acting like teenagers. I may not be 30 weeks pregnant now, but at least I have them!

Miss Libby

2011-03-10T06:16:00.001-08:00

Warning * TMI....you have been warned!*

2011-03-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

So, Brad and I returned from Florida with happy hearts and hopes to eagerly pursue our next round of IUI. I even called and ordered the meds, everything was textbook...so we waited. And waited. And waited. My cycle never started. Of course I took numerous pregnancy tests, all negative, of course. I called the clinic and the brought me in for bloodwork. Another week passed, no cycle. So, the clinic called me in for ANOTHER utlrasound. Much to my surprise (and theirs) there was a large 18 mm cyst on my ovary. We drew bloodwork and unbelievably, the "cyst" was actually a functional follicle producing estrogen and ready to ovulate! Amazing! So, I returned yesterday and had another ultrasound, which showed my nice, fat swollen ovary had enlarged and the "little" cyst is now a whopping 21mm ready to pop! Very exciting to see on sono. So, my bloodwork was again drawn and I was sent home to "try on my own"....how very romantic! I will return again on Friday for a confirmation of ovulation and a progesterone check. Then, I wait another two weeks, and wait. So, do I allow myself to get excited? I will remain cautiously optimistic for the time being. Although, there is something so strange about hearing your doctor tell you "good luck" in reference to the very intimate parts of your marriage!

An Awakening

2011-03-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

Brad left for work early this morning, and like he usually does on early mornings, he brought Libby into our bedroom to snuggle with me. I absolutely love these brief moments that I have snuggling her and rubbing her back while it's still dark outside. She snuggles her little face up to mine, and every so often she will peck my cheek with a sweet little sleepy kiss. It's a great way to start my day! I got out of bed and covered her up, so I could have a few moments to myself in silence to get ready for the day. Most of my "thinking time" happens in the early morning, either while showering or drying my hair. My hair is long and thick, so this gives me ample time to think and reflect on the coming day.

This morning, while drying my hair, I was pondering the whole idea of my infertility struggles. It seems so unfair that I am having to cope with this burden, and watch other women around me have multiple children and complain about all of their "woes" at being mothers. I don't think I have ever complained about being a mother. There is nothing in life that I would rather do! I shudder when I hear how parents talk to their children, and treat them so aggressively. Don't they realize how valuable and precious their little ones are? When I hear mothers in grocery stores yelling at their toddlers or dads grumbling about having to play with their sons, I want to absolutely smack them! Don't they know that these children are gifts from God? Gifts that are supposed to be loved and nurtured? Don't they know that I would give anything in the world to make Libby a big sister? I have friends and loved ones who would give their right arm to have a little "spoiled runny nose preschooler" of their own. Now, I realize that parenting is tough. I have a very strong willed, stubborn diva of a daughter. However, I remember nights before she was born, that I would beg God for the opportunity to become a mommy. One day, she will be grown and gone, and I will miss the days of struggling in the grocery store and begging her to get dressed in the morning. I will also miss the smell of her hair after it's been shampooed, and the softness of her sweet hands when she holds mine.

It occurred to me while my flat iron was heating up... don't I trust God? Hasn't he provided thus far? Didn't he already perform a huge miracle when he delivered Libby three years ago? Just in the past six months, I have had such turmoil in my professional life. My career was turned upside down this fall, and then again two months ago when my company told me they were "down sizing". Didn't He provide? Of course he did, I have already had three excellent job offers in less than three months, and in the worst possible economy for job seekers! If God can provide me with three jobs, surely he can give me another baby. And He will. Thank you God for this peace today.

A little "Libby love"

2011-03-02T05:57:00.000-08:00

Alright, here are some of Libby's most recent funnies:

1. In response to my attempt at making a joke, "Mommy, that's not funny, and I know funny!"

2. While sobbing at home, "Mommy, I don't think Daddy really speaks my language!"

3. While at the doctor for her three year old checkup, she refused to take off her clothes, like the nurse asked. I told her she had to take off her clothes so her doctor could examine her and she replied, "Mommy, you told me not to ever let anyone see me naked!" Why in the world, did she finally decide to start listening to me??

Every day she amazes me. She has so much spunk and personality for a three year old!

I need to vent a bit....I'm so frustrated with what's going on in my journey to become a mother again. It seems that even after all of these months of waiting, we are being delayed, yet again. Why is my chemistry so frustrating and non compliant? I am just tired of waiting. It's getting harder to remain patient. So, even after an ultrasound last week, and bloodwork, I have to return again next week for another ultrasound and bloodwork. We haven't even begun medications yet! Why am I so impatient? Why is this so frustrating? The waiting is agonizing as I watch the months tick by.

Round Three!!

2011-02-24T06:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have finally taken the plunge. I made the very important call this morning to the RE informing them that in the next several days, we will be starting IUI round #3. They are calling in my prescription as we speak. Which means $1,500 and 48 hours later, a nice little refrigerated box will arrive at my door with two very small containers of medications. I have leftover meds in my fridge from round #2....from August. The nurse reminded me that my first prescription was filled last June. Wow....it's been a long time. A really long time when I consider that I threw away my birth control pills on Libby's first birthday. (It seems crazy now, I actually thought I needed birth control pills!)

Libby's best friend at church is going to be a big sister. Libby told her yesterday that she was gonna have a baby too. How do I explain that one? Every night when we go to bed she prays that God will giver her a baby sister. That's kind of a hard pill to swallow. I know how great the relationship is between me and my sisters, and I really long for Libby to have that same fun friendship with a sibling of her own. Even on vacation last week, I realized that she really needs a playmate. She is so grown up now, I am really feeling that baby fever! So, I am beginning this next cycle with a renewed spirit. It's been exactly 6 months since my last cycle. I am optimistic, positive and hopeful. I feel very strongly that God will bless my little family with another child, I just pray that it's sooner rather than later! This "waiting game" is tough. Especially watching friends around me get pregnant again. I can't lie, I'm incredibly envious. I can't imagine how exciting it would be to simply wake up one day, decide to have another child and actually get pregnant on my own! How thrilling it must be! My heart also aches for dear friends who are also in the waiting period of their own. Infertility is a very painful journey. It affects your entire being. It also puts an incredible strain on your marriage, your finances, your stress, your entire life! I am praying for my sweet friends and hopeful that soon we will be swapping pregnancy stories and labor and delivery nightmares with each other!

DISNEY! and a letter to My Princess on her third birthday...

2011-02-23T12:52:00.000-08:00

I wish I could just bottle up my Disney world experience, and then open it up from time to time to enjoy the feelings that I experienced there. It was absolutely amazing to see Disney through the eyes of my (now three year old) princess. She was so overwhelmed and spent the week wide-eyed and squealing. Every place she turned there was another princess, fancy ride or show for her to experience. It will remain one of the greatest moments in my parenting life. For those few days, I got to push back work, laundry, dishes and stress and simply focus on enjoying Libby. I enjoyed every second that I got to spend with her. I soaked up the time eagerly and cannot wait to begin our "scrapbook" together. Yes, she was a bit sleepy, and yes, she did get a little cranky at times. Of course, I got a little bit sleepy and cranky myself! It was the most amazing week and I am so eager to start planning our next vacation. These past three years have absolutely flown by. Far too quickly, she has grown from my sweet, dainty little baby into a beautiful little lady. I am so blessed to be her mother. I am so lucky to have the opportunity to watch her grow and change. Thank you, God for allowing me to be her mommy. Wow, what did I do to deserve such an honor?

My precious little princess,

You will never understand how much you are loved, until one day, when you look into the eyes of your little baby. Only then, will you absolutely be able to fall in love with your whole being, with another person. Being a mother is so much different from any other relationship that you will ever have. I love your father more than I love anybody on this earth. However, I will never love someone in the same way that I love you.

From the moment that I saw that positive pink pregnancy test, my life was changed forever. Your dad and I had waited and prayed for you for a very long time. We could hardly believe that we were finally going to be parents! The very first time I met you, I fell in love. I remember your beautiful long, dark eyelashes, and pink, pouty little lips. You didn't make a sound when the doctor picked you up, I was so nervous, but you were wiggling and very serious, taking in all of your surroundings. You were too busy too cry! Not much has changed in three years, you are a very busy, very intelligent little girl. You are the absolute most beautiful creature that God has ever created. I don't know if Daddy and I could have a more beautiful little girl if we tried a thousand more times!

You are so much like me and also so much like your Daddy. I like to think you are the best of the both of us! You are so incredibly smart, you talk like a little grown lady, and you have such amazing reasoning skills. I am pretty sure that you are going to be a surgeon! You are also very stubborn and strong willed, this can be difficult at times, but I know you are going to become a very independent, strong willed woman one day, and that makes me very proud! Like your Daddy, you can be very silly and fun. You like to sing funny songs and dance around the house. You and Daddy even make up silly words like, "stukid" and "wannakie". I am pretty sure only the two of you understand the real meaning of those words. Like your Daddy, you are fun loving and have a wonderful, infectious laugh. You are destined to make everyone you meet fall desperately in love. I am really nervous about the potential of you dating one day!

Whatever path that you may choose, please know that your Daddy and I love you more than anything. I am so proud of you and will always be here for you. I never grow tired of our "cuddle time" and taking naps on the couch curled up with you and your best bud-Lily the dachshund. You are the greatest gift God could ever bless two people with. Thank you for being my little girl!

Love,

Mommy
February 23, 2011

My favorite "Brad-isms"

2011-02-04T06:18:00.000-08:00

My sweet husband brought Libby to meet me yesterday for lunch. When we were finished, he kissed me and I got into the car to head back to work. As I was pulling out of the parking space, I noticed him walking around my car checking my tires as I backed up. He looked up, smiled and waved me off. It usually drives me crazy when he obsessively checks my tires, my car, my oil, etc... However, it occurred to me that he was simply checking the safety and efficiency of my car to insure my safe arrival at work. It was kinda sweet. This leads me to think of other "little things" that he does that often goes unnoticed or unappreciated. So, in honor of my sweet little husband, here is the list of his "little things" that I am now appreciating!

1. Obsessively checking my car for possible safety issues
2. Playing with my hair every night while I fall asleep on his chest (Yes, EVERY night for 6 years)
3. Waking up early on Saturday mornings to entertain the Princess while I sleep a little longer
4. If I get to sleep in on a weekday, he wakes Libby up, takes her potty, brings her a juice cup and puts her in bed with me, so I don't have to get up
5. He always lets me pick the restaurant or movie when we do have a date night
6. When Libby was a baby, he would bolt out of bed in the middle of the night to allow me to rest
7. He sends me little text messages throughout the day to "check on me"
8. He actually cleans the bathroom better than I do!
9. He irons all of his clothes and always asks me if I need anything ironed for myself or Lib
10. He always asks me every morning what he should wear to work

I guess I could go on and on about the cool little "Brad-isms" that I encounter on a daily basis. I am thankful for him and all of his quirks.

My Pride and Prejudice

2011-02-03T07:34:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a great deal lately. The series that I am must enamored with has been "The Darcy Saga series" by Sharon Lathan. This series depicts the story of Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy following their whirlwind romance in "Pride and Prejudice". What the series lacks in complete substance, it more than makes up for in flowery verbage and lovely scenes of 19th century English countryside society. It is essentially a beautiful portrait of an English Manor and the amorous relationship of the Master and his wife. I have quickly devoured the first book and am hungrily thumbing through the next one. I would be willing to bet that everyone who has read this series swooned at the affection shown from Mr. Darcy to his new bride. In the series, the couple is ridiculously wealthy and this affords them a great deal of time to devote to leisurely pleasures such as planning romantic scavenger hunts, seaside getaways, and hours of walking and sitting about.

Now, I have to wonder to myself, "If I had loads of money and spare time and servants to handle all of my tasks, what would I do to pass the time. More importantly, what would I do during that spare time if I had my husband and someone to properly care for my child and household chores. "

I would like to think that during those hours, I could devote myself to Brad. I would love to be free of the stress of finances, laundry, taxes, work, tantrums, and chores, and be able to concentrate on my marriage. Imagine being able to wake up late, have breakfast served to me, and the rest of the day at my disposal to enjoy all the pleasures life has to offer. When all the "stuff of life" is stripped away, and it's just you and your significant other, is that enough? I don't know, but I would definitely like to have the opportunity to experiment!

Perhaps that is why I am a bit envious of mothers and wives who are able to stay at home. I would very much like the time to accomplish my home tasks during the day, and be able to enjoy my weekends and holidays without the fear of deadlines, job stress, etc. Now, I am well aware that mothers who stay home are very busy! Don't get me wrong....they have very stressful jobs!!! I am simply envious of the opportunity to devote your entire "self" to your husband and children. My weeknights, weekends and holidays are busy trying to accomplish all of the work that has been sitting and waiting on me all week long! I have to accomplish all of my "chores" in a very small amount of time. This leaves me very little "free time" to devote to my husband, Libby and even myself.

Enough rambling, suffice to say, read the books! I highly reccommend them!!

Playing the Waiting Game....

2011-01-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I must admit that I am a very impatient person. It seems like I have spent the majority of my life "waiting" for something important. Waiting for Santa Clause to come....waiting for my birthday...waiting to learn to drive...waiting for my first kiss...waiting to graduate from highschool....then college...waiting to get married....waiting to graduate again...waiting for my first pregnancy...the two week wait...etc. And now, once again, I find myself in "a season of waiting".

When we first went through the last round of fertility treatments this fall, the IUI resulted in an ectopic pregnancy. The fertility speacialist told us to wait at least three months before we could restart treatments again. I needed that time to physically recover, but also to heal from the emotional wound of the pregnancy. It's now been four months and I am ready to proceed with the next round of treatments. I am antsy to get started again and antsy to get pregnant. Libby's third birthday is quickly approaching, and that will officially mark the two year anniversary of "trying for baby number 2". It took us over two and a half years to get pregnant with Libby, and I expected it to be much quicker this time around. I don't know why, I guess I secretly hoped that after my successful pregnancy, my body would "finally get it right and act normally"...no such luck. So, here we are well past the "recovery period" and ready to pull out the injections and the "turkey baster"...aka the IUI. Unfortunately, this time doesn't quite seem right again, but for very different reasons. My job situation is a bit nerve wracking at this point. I am actually in the "transition" from one office to another, and it makes for a stressful situation, both financially and emotionally! So, I suppose this means that I once again, must wait... Pregnancy is 40 weeks...that's long enough to have to wait to hold your little one....so, any additional waiting time seems so cruel and unfair.

This is my prayer: for a smooth job transition, for financial stability, and for a quick and successful "round" of treatments followed by a healthy 9 months of pregnancy and safe delivery! That's not asking a whole lot, right?

What Daddy has taught her...

2011-01-20T06:21:00.000-08:00

Libby was in the backseat while Mom and I were driving to meet her other grandparents in Cordele. We stopped at McDonalds to meet them, and I unbuckled Libby so she could play in the backseat while we parked and waited. I was listening to music and relaxing when I felt her presence behind my shoulder. I turned to find her picking her nose." Libby Pullen! That's so gross, you need a tissue! Don't you wipe that on my seat." She replied, " Oh Mommy, don't worry. Daddy taught me how to roll it up....(as she made the hand gesture to explain) and then you just "Fwick It!" (as she flicked the imaginary booger)."

It also reminds me of a time about a year ago, when Libby had just turned two, and the new Chickfila was built in Bonaire. I had pulled through the drive through one afternoon to pick up my favorite Diet Lemonade. When I pulled to the speaker, Libby began rattling off behind me, " Um, yes, a Coke, no ice, biscuit and that's it..." I turned around and asked her what she had said. She calmly repeated it too me in her little two year old voice. It then dawned on me....Brad must have brought her through the drive through at some point. So, I called him and asked why Libby was ordering HIS favorite things from Chickfila. Sheepishly, he admitted to me that he had been sneaking to Chickfila in the mornings while driving her to the babysitter. Needless to say, his little "secret" was no more. :)

I am thankful for the things that Libby learns from her daddy. He is teaching her things that I never could (for instance, how to "fwick" a booger). It reminds me how important a role that her daddy really plays in her life. Sure, he doesn't always match her clothes, he lets her eat candy for breakfast, and he has absolutely no clue how to play "tea party". However, I don't know how to teach her to dribble a soccer ball, or how to act like a "monkey" on the playground, or how to speak in this very strange make believe language that Brad and Libby share. More importantly, Brad is responsible for teaching and showing Libby how a man is supposed to treat his wife. He is teaching her how she is supposed to respect me. He is showing her how a husband is supposed to treat his wife. Brad has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders, and he's doing a pretty good job.

Brad is also teaching Libby about how fun life can be. One of my favorite activities is to watch them play. Libby will run squealing through the house, while Brad chases her, he scoops her up and she flies around the living room, laughing and giggling. They play on the computer looking for fun music to dance around the house too. He puts her in his lap and lets her "steer" the wheel, while he spins around in the cul-de-sac. (Much to my horror!) He lets her paint his toenails, and tells her what a beautiful little princess she is.

I think that Brad would agree that his greatest joy is putting her to sleep at night, and as he kisses her goodnight, she always looks up and says, "I love you sooo much Daddy-da!" He's admitted that she can pretty much melt his heart. He loves that little girl. There is something so magical about watching your husband become a father. It makes me love him more, it makes me so happy. He was meant for this job.

Winter Weekend

2011-01-19T08:01:00.000-08:00

Had a blast this weekend in Gatlinburg! I really enjoy my small group at Church. It's quite the eclectic group of "young families". A nice mixture of professionals, stay at home moms, newlyweds, executive couples without kids and of course, Me and My honey! Our annual weekend retreat is a nice opportunity to get away from work, home and children, and focus on marriage. Brad and I definitely had some nice, long, much needed discussions. More importantly, we had time to focus on each other. It's sometimes difficult to find time for your partner is the midst of "life". Especially when you are both working, raising a toddler and trying to get pregnant again. You would think that the whole "trying to get pregnant" would actually increase your "time" together. However, when you are battling "infertility" this is quite the opposite. Our "time" is simply reduced to optimizing my "fertile period", and everything is planned and studied and so scientific. A lot of romance is taken out of the equation. Often times, I find myself simply looking at Brad as the "donor" and not my partner. So, it was nice to be able to concentrate on us this weekend.

Libby spent the weekend with her grandparents in Florida. Even though she was sick with a stomach bug, she had sooo much fun! I spent yesterday cuddling in bed with her. She rolled over at one point and said,"Mommy-I love you sooo much. Thank you for bringing me my prizes (souvenirs from Gatlinburg), I am so thankful for them." It made my day.

Speaking of Libby, last week, she was in our room and said, "Pee-Ewe! What smells?" So, she then went into the living room and cried out, "OMG! Lilly pooped on the carpet!" Wow....she already talks like a teenager.

My pity party...don't expect an EVITE!

2011-01-13T10:39:00.000-08:00

So, I am allowing myself these next couple of days to pout, be depressed, mope and just be ill...I got into work yesterday and received some very devastating news....due to circumstances beyond our control, my company is having to downsize and subsequently cut my job. I have never in my life been terminated or "layed off" from a position. I have always gone because of a better job, better pay, etc...so, now to be facing the reality of unemployment, it's quite overwhelming! Now, I understand and agree with most of the verbage that is being thrown at me during this time...."It's closing a door, a new one will open"..."pull up your big girl panties and get over it!"..."it's gonna be okay"...blah, blah, blah. I will get over it, something will come along, and I will be okay. But, in the meantime, It SUCKS! It's unfair, it's wrong, it's painful. I would be a bit more understanding if this had occurred because of wrong doing on my behalf, or because of something that I had screwed up, but no. I am simply the victim of unfortunate circumstances beyond my control. This has been a really crappy 6 months for me. First, there was the ectopic pregnancy, shortly after that, my job position required some "creative maneuvering" to keep me employed, which caused me great stress, now I am without a job all together. Can't a girl catch a break???

Brad and I are going away for the weekend with a group of other couples from church. It's gonna be a nice, relaxing, fun weekend. But, then, I return to reality. I have 90 days to procure a position. Actually...89 days now...

Snow days!

2011-01-12T06:19:00.000-08:00

So, we actually just had a couple of snow days here in Middle Georgia. In Middle Georgia, any amount of "precipitation" warrants a "snow day", which means the whole city shuts down! This is great fun for parents of small children, because we are forced to stay inside with our wild little ones who are way off of their normal routines and schedules! Since Brad and I are going away this upcoming weekend for our annual "Young Family retreat", we were more than happy to spend some time with the Princess. We spent the time cuddled on the couch watching movies, playing with her dress up clothes, and even venturing outside to allow her to make "footprints" in the snow. I got a lot of good cuddling time in with my little gorgeous darling. It was amazing!

Also went for an ultrasound yesterday to check on my lovely little pearly "lady parts". Apparently, the Avandia has done them some good. Still not cooperating as far as ovulation goes, but the periphery looks much improved from the previous scans. I am optimistic that we will begin treatments again this Spring. Of course, this means Brad and I are going to seriously have to to save again. After Disneyworld, our accounts are gonna be kinda puny, and fertility treatments don't come cheap. We are hoping to at least be able to write off the money we have spent so far, on our 2010 taxes. I have estimated that between medications and the two IUI's, and the subsequent treatments for the ectopic, have landed us in the ballpark of about $7,000 so far in cash. All that money, and no baby to show for. It's okay though, because I really believe that through all of this I can see a silver lining. It was almost like God was telling me, "Ashlie, you will be pregnant again, the IUI works....just not this time." Sigh....

I am really excited about this upcoming weekend in Gatlinburg. It's gonna be four days with some of our closest couple friends. I anticipate a lot of fun and good memories! Last year, two of the couples wound up pregnant after the trip, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed!! :)

Libby-isms

2011-01-05T06:04:00.000-08:00

LONG weekend!

So, temporary changes at work have allowed me to stay home the past Monday and Tuesday. I have GREATLY enjoyed the time I got to spend with little Miss Pullen! She was a very good girl for me, and I definitely enjoyed all of the cuddling and play time.

On Monday, we went to mom's to help get organized and clean up Libby's playroom. She decided to help Nana organize her ribbons. I walked into the room to see Libby trying to persuade my pack rat mom to throw away scrap ribbon. She was saying very patiently, "Nana, let it go...it's trash now." I thought mom was gonna die of laughter. Later that day, she decided it was her job to sweep the leaves off of the deck. My mom asked if a dollar would be a good payment. She thought a minute and said, "Nana, I am saving for a new baby doll outfit, I need about $8.20." What a little bargainer :)

That night, she burst into the bathroom and loudly exclaimed to me, "Mommy, daddy is embarrassing me!" I laughed and then thought maybe I should just record my response. I know I am going to repeat it over and over again for the next several years. :)

I have greatly enjoyed the past several days off with my little Princess. Time flies by so quickly when I am with her and so slowly when I am working. I am very thankful for my precious time to share with Miss Pullen. She's growing up so quickly, and I am loving every minute of it!

What a Christmas!

2010-12-28T06:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas is so much fun with a little one. Especially my gorgeous little one! Our weekend was filled with cuddles, cookies, movies (yes, we saw Rapunzel AGAIN), gifts, and giggles.

Go ahead, I dare you to find a more precious little girl....see...it's impossible! She is "preciousness" personified...well, at least she is when she's in a good mood :) She was so excited on Christmas Eve, that she couldn't fall asleep. She woke up Christmas morning and was bombarded with Princess papered gifts from Santa, Nana Clause, Mommy Clause, Mamie Clause, and Mur Clause. Half of her gifts were princesses and the other half were Toy Story. It was so excited to see her little face light up with each new gift. I know she received far too many gifts, but it's so hard not to indulge her at this point. Especially since she is the only one! Perhaps next year we will have at least another one to keep her company! After the gifts were unwrapped and we ate a very large Christmas brunch, she put on her Rapunzel gown and we took her to see "Tangled" again...this time she brought her new Rapunzel doll with her.

I know, she's gorgeous, right? I'm one proud mama.

She must have enjoyed our weekend together, because this morning she begged me to stay home with her. She didn't want to go to school, she wanted me to stay home her "lovey". It broke my heart to bring her to school. Only three work days this week, and I hope they fly by!

Speaking of adding to the family. It would appear that today marks the first day of the new "year" so to speak. It's been long overdue, so I am almost happy to see it return. However, the next two months are going to be pretty busy for the Pullen's, so I think we are going to put our "treatments" on hold until March. January is the weekend trip for me and Brad, and then we are taking Libby to Disneyworld in February. Unfortunately, that doesn't leave me much extra money for expensive injections and IUI cycles. So, it appears that we are on "hold" until our winter vacations are over. I'm disappointed, but at least I have some exciting plans to distract me for now.

The Exorcism of Elizabeth Reece

2010-12-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentleman, we may actually being turning the corner in this epic battle of wills that is called, "The TERRIBLE TWOS". I am beginning to see my beautiful, sweet, compliant, princess emerge from the shell of this screaming, stubborn toddler that has possessed my baby for several months now. I will have you all know, Libby went to school today in an outfit that I PICKED OUT FOR HER! Now, of course there was the obligatory request for her "Jessie t-shirt" (Toy Story Jessie), which I handled by telling her that we would pack it to bring as a change of clothes for later in the day if she messed up her shirt. It worked!! She obliged and put on her black tutu leggins and sweet little bow t-shirt that I bought for her over Black Friday. I could NOT believe it. So, either she is giving up, or I have simply become a little bit smarter. Considering how stressed I have been recently, I highly doubt I am the wiser one. Therfore, it gives me a little hope that my child may be returning to the wonderful, precious, pleasant child that I remember. I know this may not seem like a big deal to more seasoned mothers....however, this is a rather significant day for me and Libby. Those of you who have seen Libby or have heard my rantings over her recent behavior understand how rough these several months have been. Libby has been stubborn, strong-willed, and just plain difficult. This is something that Brad and I have been praying about and discussing for hours on end. We have discussed her behavior with friends, family, and anyone who would listen. Let me make myself clear...she IS NOT a bad child. She is simply strong-willed and very intelligent. This combination makes parenting a little challenging. Especially for a first time mom. Especially for a first time mom who is a control-freak! I am thankful for the small things. I am thankful for mornings where we all get out of the house without a tantrum, fit or screaming. I am thankful for mornings that Libby doesn't insist upon wearing her ballerina tutu and cowboy boots. I am thankful for mornings where she loves on me and hugs me before school. I will leave you with this precious image. It's the best way to say good bye in the morning, with a sweet little smile!!

Get over it Princess!

2010-12-13T13:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, so everytime I get to feeling bad about my "situation", GOD smacks me with a reality check to bring me back to reality. The past several months have been a remarkable emotional rollercoaster for me. It doesn't help that on top of the natural emotions I have been experiencing, that I have been injecting and ingesting large amounts of hormoness. First, the hormones were to get pregnant, then to stay pregnant, then to end the pregnancy, then to prevent the pregnancy, then to start the period to start the first hormones all over again. Confused? So is my poor endocrine system. I feel like my uterus is on a strike! Well, it's been on strike for several years now. I spent the first part of my marriage trying to prevent a pregnacy, and the past half trying to obtain and keep a pregnancy. My husband and my ovaries are both tired of all of the turmoil. This year for Christmas, I am asking for a baby. I am gonna continue to ask and pray for a baby every chance I possibly can, until I hold my baby in my arms.

Looking back on 2010, there have been so many things that I never could have anticipated. Unfortunately, the most devastating event (the ectopic pregnancy) has been one of the most single worst events that I have ever lived through. I pray that I never have to endure the hurt and loss that I felt during those weeks, ever again. I pray that my sweet friends and sisters will never have to experience that pain. However, I have to remind myself of one essential thought...I was pregnant again. I was able to conceive, albeit, a bit differently than most (through IUI). I remember the feeling that I felt the first time I saw Libby. The feeling was so amazing. So addicting. I remember wanting to capture that moment and revisit it again and again. The feeling is so addicting, that I have to experience it again. I also remember seeing the positive pregnancy test in September. I never thought that I would ever see another little plastic test with two pink lines! I remember running into Brad and screaming hysterically. We were pregnant, again!!! I have to remember those special moments. They are the special moments that keep me going. They remind me of the reason that I am still subjecting my body to this torture and hormonal rollercoaster!

Now, I am waiting patiently. Since my LMP of August 5, 2010, nothing has happened. No cycle. No cycle means no ovulation, which means, well....you get the idea. So, I am waiting. I am waiting and clinging to those feelings that I so long to experience again. I am hopeful that it will happen again. Maybe not in 2010, maybe not even in 2011, but someday.

Being happy....

2010-12-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard for me to be excited for people who are announcing a new pregnancy? Why can't I simply be happy with what God has blessed me with, and be happy for others? This is an area that I am constantly struggling with. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo incredibly thankful for the beautiful gift that God gave me. Libby is the absolute love of my life and the most wonderful answer to prayer. However, that doesn't take away from the intense desire that I feel to have another child. It's just as strong and intense as the desire I had to become pregnant with Libby.
I honestly believe that there are several reasons for my "problem". First of all, I am such a control freak and type A personality, that it drives me crazy that I cannot control my fertility and family planning. It's something that is so out of my hands, and that bothers me. Secondly, I am in women's health, which means I am constantly bombarded with images of pregnancy, fertility, childbirth, etc. I am so envious of women who can "just look at their spouses and get pregnant". Thirdly, the fact that I cannot get pregnant makes me feel inadequate. It's a constant battle within myself to feel like I am a failure. I mean, come on, every woman can get pregnant, right? It's a basic human right and need to procreate. Why can't I do that successfully? Here I am, young(ish), successful(ish), educated, married, healthy, why can't I get this one little thing right? It's a huge stumbling block in my life. A huge hurdle. A huge tangle.
So, yes, I am sensitive to this issue. I think that any woman who has survived infertility, pregnancy loss or the loss of a baby understands. This is also an issue that many people are not sensitive enough too. The following is the list of things that you absolutely SHOULD NOT tell a woman suffering from infertility:

1." It's not your time yet" (well then, by golly, why is it time for that teenager to get pregnant again? She's 12!!
2. "All in God's Timing" (well, that just plain sucks!)
3. "Have you considered adoption?" (No, have you? I want to have MY OWN baby). Besides, adoption ain't cheap!!
4. "Sorry about your miscarriage, it just wasn't meant to be" (Oh, so you mean that God intended to let me lose my baby?
5. "maybe you aren't meant to have kids" (Well maybe you aren't meant to be a friend of mine, because that was just plain mean!
6. "You know maybe there was something wrong with your baby and this was God's way..." (Yes, that was said to me at some point in reference to my pregnancy loss.)

So, you see, people can be so insenstitive and hurtful. I am just praying that at this time next year I will be in a different position. I am also praying for a few very special friends of mine who are fighting this same fight that I am. It's a hard battle. Especially for a believer. Especially when you grow up knowing all of the scriptures that state, "HE will grant you the desires of your hearts, HE will never leave you or forsake you, HE will never give you anything that you can't handle."

Yes, Libby, like a Goat...

2010-12-06T12:29:00.000-08:00

So, over the weekend, we had the opportunity to spend some time with Suzanne and Brandon. Suzanne has the cutest little newborn, Baby Evan. At first, Libby was not very interested in Baby Evan. In fact, she seemed a bit jealous. However, as the evening continued, she began to show a little interest in the gurgling, cooing, little Evan. Eventually, she decided that she actually liked the baby. She followed Suzanne into the bathroom to observe Evan's bath and even began asking Suzanne questions. Eventually it was time for Baby Evan to nurse, so of course Libby was enthralled. Suzanne said it would be okay for Libby to stay in the playroom while she nursed. That was probably our first mistake!

Libby was very interested in watching how Suzanne "fed" Baby Evan. This was how the conversation progressed...

Libby: Whatcha feeding Baby Evan?
Suzanne: Milk
Libby: What kind of milk?
Suzanne: Um, white milk?
Libby: How ya feeding him the milk?
Suzanne: Well, some mommies feed their babies with a bottle, and some mommies get to feed their babies very special like I am.
Libby: (pondering thoughtfully), Oh...like a cow??
Suzanne:(after stifling laughter and maintaining a straight face) Well, yes, I guess like a cow.
Libby: (obviously impressed with herself) Oh, and like a goat and a...
Mommy: (Interrupting before Libby could continue) Yes, Lib, that's how a lot of animals feed their babies.

Yes, I will admit, she is pretty darn cute. That's why I desperately want another one just like her!

"Scoot down a little bit more...now one more little bit..."

2010-11-30T14:20:00.000-08:00

Yep, so after delaying it for as long as possible, it's time for my annual exam. I cannot begin to tell you how much I DETEST having a pap smear. Ironic, right? Considering it's how I make a living? Somehow being on the other end of the speculum is a whole lot worse than performing the exam. Interesting how my first thoughts are," CRAP! I don't have time for a wax, I'm gonna have to shave my legs and paint my toenails." Quite honestly, the only thing we usually ask for is that the patient bathes. We could care less about hair, nails (well, unless they smell like corn chips) or what kind of socks you wear. But, here I am being all neurotic like a little teenager going to the "Clinic" for the first time.

I guess another issue is the fact that now my obstetrical history has changed. Last time I had a pap, my paperwork said G1P1, meaning I have been pregnant one time and have had one delivery. This year, I have to change the paperwork to reflect my second pregnancy which ended before it even had a chance. So, now and forevermore, I will at least be a G2P1A1...meaning I have been pregnant two times, delivered one baby, and have had one ectopic pregnancy (well call it "A" for abortion, which kinda encompasses all early pregnancy losses). Yet another deep reminder of the miserable year that Brad and I have had. I guess it doesn't help that I am on the last day of the Provera, which tends to make me a bit emotional.

On to Miss Libby...

Over the weekend Miss Libby, being the typical toddler that she is, had a few tantrums. Now, if you know me at all, you understand what a trying and difficult time that this has been for me. Libby's recent tantrums have caused me great distress and discouragement. My previously precious, most perfect little baby, has morphed into this little ball of toddler craziness. I know it will pass, I know she is two. However, it's still hard to handle as a mom. Especially when you have constant criticism all around. Even the people with the best intentions have a thought on her tantrums. It's true, but it's tough to hear criticism about your child. Especially from people who you think understnad what you are going through. Having said that, Libby has recently been called a variety of "labels". The toughest to swallow was the gift of "The most stubborn toddler" and "Little Bossy". I take it a bit personally. I know that I am also an independent, strong willed individual. But, to hear someone call my little princess "bossy" and "stubborn" in front of her, is a label that I am not ready to attach to her two year old self. I would rather like to look at this phase as her "strong willed, independent, power struggle phase". I know it will pass. It has too. And in the end, my little one will be a strong willed, independent, powerful woman who knows what she wants in life and will stop at nothing to achieve it! I know we have good days and bad days, but for goodness sakes, please be patient with me. I am a first time mom, and she didn't come with instructions!! Brad and I are doing the best we know how too. We are trying to follow James Dobson's plan for the "Strong Willed Child". Yes, we discipline her, yes, she is stubborn, but she is also only two! So, basically, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything. Oh, and if you see a stressed out blonde in scrubs trying to wrestle a cute little brunette princess into her buggy at Publix, please don't just stare and talk about it, offer to help me!!!

Post Holiday Bloating...

2010-11-29T05:43:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are on Cyber Monday. This weekend passed way too quickly for me! I absolutely love Thanksgiving, the food, the fun, the family "quality time". I especially enjoyed all of the extra time with my little cuddle bug. She provided a weekend of adorable cuddling and fun, sprinkled with tantrums, outbursts of whining and wailing, and a few spankings to boot! Perhaps the highlight of the weekend was during a particular "trying" tantrum, Brad took over and decided to give her a very serious daddy-daughter talk. Libby was sobbing hysterically when she stopped long enough to say, "Daddy, could you slow down talking please!" I had to leave the room because I was laughing so hard.

We decided to brave the mall on Saturday and take Libby to meet Santa. In the past, Libby has screamed at every Santa picture opportunity. I was a bit nervous, since Brad wasn't with us. However, this particular Santa was very mild and pleasant and Libby was in a particularly pleasant mood. It worked to our advantage and we finally got a picture of Libby with Santa! Libby told Santa in a very small whisper that she would like a "Belle doll and a Cinderella carriage". Santa nodded and smiled and handed her the obligatory Christmas coloring book from his big red bag. As soon as we sat Libby back in the stroller, she burst into tears! "Santa forgot to give me my Belle doll!" So, crisis adverted, we explained the Santa rules about being good and waiting until Christmas Eve. Saturday night, she had an early Christmas with Brad's parents. She must have been a very good girl, because she got a new Belle doll with a special pink horse for Belle to ride. Libby was all smiles. She later told me, "Santa made the Belle dolls, Nana just had to pay him!"

So, despite my hormonal rages (almost done with the Provera) and Libby's tantrums, we survived the holiday. Now, if my bank account can only survive the next month, we will be in business!

Full of Thanks...

2010-11-24T05:41:00.000-08:00

So, here on this eve of Thanksgiving, I am reminded of the things that I am truly thankful for. I remember the holidays early in my marriage. Brad always worked in retail, so we were stuck in Nashville the first two years, unable to travel because of his work schedule. Those were tough years, lonely, sad, not the holidays I was used too. Now, here I am six years into my marriage and things are so much different. All because of a little princess with big brown eyes.

There is something so magical about the holidays when you are surrounded by children. Even if they aren't your own, nieces and nephews and cousins are wonderful! Children are just so innocent and precious, and the holidays are so new and fun for them. Holidays are so much better when you are surrounded by them. Before Libby, I was blessed to have Brad's precious little nieces, and then later, we were blessed to have Bethany's little boy. Now, our family is growing and it's so exciting to see the "next generation" of our family scampering about, squealing, laughing and running around.

So, I am thankful that before I became a mommy, I got to be an aunt and a cousin to some remarkable little ones. Every year with Libby seems to make the holidays a little better and better. Every year we add new traditions.

I am also thankful for a patient husband. This hormonal roller coaster I am on has wrecked havoc on my emotional well being. Provera is the devil. It will be over soon. It's like ten days of horrible PMS followed by the period from...well, you get the idea.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My fancy pearly girls!

2010-11-22T12:48:00.000-08:00

**WARNING-TMI IS ABOUT TO FOLLOW. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF MY "GIRLY BUSINESS" STOP READING THIS NOW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED ** :)

Okay, so on to my journey to make Libby a big sister. Dr Butler (my reproductive endocrinologist) doesn't want to see me again until February. After the ectopic pregnancy in September, he said I needed to give my little body a break from all of the shots, hormones and poking and prodding of fertility treatments. As much as I understand the science behind taking a "break", it's still no fun to have to put off a potential pregnancy for another several months. Each month that passes is another month that goes by that I am not pregnant. I realize that I am only 28, and according to the world's standards, that is still pretty darn young. However, according to the fertility world, 28 is a little bit closer to the magic age of 30. After 30, your fertility begins to decline. I don't need anymore declining in that department!! So, the past three months have been a waste of my precious fertile moments. After the D&C in September, I haven't had a period since. I tried three weeks of Progesterone supplements followed by a break, hoping that would initiate "things". No such luck. So, then I turned to the most dreaded of pills in the eyes of the infertile couple...I began birth control pills. YUCK! Now, as a Nurse Practitioner, my specialty is all things "womanly". I know all about pills and rings and everything else that can prevent you from getting pregnant. I also know all about telling other women how to get pregnant. Unfortunately, it's easier said than done. And of course, other women have ovaries and uteri that actually like to function properly.

So, here we are three months past the D&C, still no period. So, the RE suggested I have another ultrasound and draw some blood to check some hormones. Grr...after experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, my poor little blood vessels are sore and tired of being picked on! I do believe I have had more ultrasounds than the entire team of OBGYN surrogates that Vanderbilt's school of medicine employs (that's a LOT). So, after lunch I had said sono and routine blood work.

It would appear that after all of these years of medications, surgeries and testing, my sweet little ovaries have developed a very unsweet string of tiny cysts around the periphery. I have never had such dysfunctional ovaries in my entire life :(. So, on we go. I will now begin a ten day course of additional hormones and various medications in hope that at the end, I will finally have a period and we can finally proceed with whatever pills and shots are necessary. I really love pearls and all things girly, but really, this is a bit much!

I guess at the end of the day, I would go through all of this all over again if it meant that I got another sweet little one. My desire for a second child is just as strong, if not stronger, than it was when I was praying and patiently waiting for Libby. The only difference is that now I know how wonderful she is. I know how wonderful it is to have her. I know how wonderful it feels to have her kicking in my tummy, and then watching her sleep at night. I know how wonderful she smells fresh out of the bath, and how wonderful her sweet little mouth curls up when she is sleeping. I know how wonderful it feels to have her cuddled in my arms, and how wonderful it sounds to hear her call me "mommy". Before she was born, I could only imagine how it would be to have a baby. I could never truly comprehend how challenging, yet wonderful this journey has been.

When I was trying to get pregnant with Libby, I used to become so frustrated with women who had already given birth, who were complaining about having subsequent children. I used to think, "why can't they be happy with what they already have? Don't they understand I don't even have one baby?" Now I understand that it's just as hard the second and third time around.

I also realize and understand the God really does want me to have the desires of my heart. My desire is to have another child. However, if for some reason, it is not in God's will for me to have more children, I will be content.It will be difficult, but I will take comfort in the one beautiful child I have and spoil her rotten. I will cherish every single moment with her. I will enjoy every single second of her life. I will enjoy having nieces and nephews, and I will enjoy seeing my sisters become mothers. My life is going to be full no matter the number of "biological" children in my family.

My weekend of Libby

2010-11-22T06:41:00.000-08:00

I love having Fridays off. Four day work weeks are tough, but the weekend is such a reward! Plus, I get invaluable Libby time during my three day weekends. Friday, I took Libby to Chickfila for an early lunch and playtime at the indoor playplace. I have learned something about Chickfila on Hwy 96. It is THE place for SAHM to gather with their children to play. Of course they all meet weekly, and therefore they all know each other and their little Playdates are a regular occurence. I have also learned that there exists this phenomenon of "Mommy-rivalry". I thought that after highschool, the "mean-girls" of society grew up and moved on with their lives. No such luck. Apparently, the "mean-girls" simply grew up, married well, and now meet weekly at Chickfila with their minivans, SUV's and precious little ones. Apparently, they still don't play well with others. They don't like outsiders and they don't welcome moms who are only able to come to "Mother's morning out" once a week. Libby and I played by ourselves and enjoyed a few precious moments of being together. We then went to pick out Aunt Amy's birthday present.

Libby was so excited to sit on the floor with me in the middle of The Lamb's well, picking out funky beads and colored stones to string together for Amy's bracelet. She giggled and wiggled and ran around trying to make the "most perfect" bauble bracelet she possibly could. I think we made a pretty good team. The bracelet turned out pretty well. Amy's birthday wasn't until Sunday, but apparently Libby couldn't contain her excitement for two more whole days. As soon as she saw Amy on Saturday she proudly exclaimed, "Aunt Mamie, we buyed you a bracelet yesterday!" Amy smiled and looked at me and said, "Oh, was that supposed to be a surprise for my birthday tomorrow?" :)

After a weekend of Shopping, Christmas decorating and playing, Libby was tired by Sunday evening. Brad and I were getting ready for choir practice and she sat on our bed flipping through her photo album of baby pictures. I sat down next to her and said, "Libby, what are you doing?" She didn't look up from her pictures, but calmly replied, "Checkin out MY facebook." Priceless.

Libby Lou saying the Pledge

2010-11-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

Some of my favorite Libbyisms...

2010-11-18T08:03:00.000-08:00

Libby and I were at the pool this summer a LOT. One particular day, we were enjoying the sun in the shallow end. We were talking when she suddenly "passed gas"... she looked up at me to see what I would say. "Elizabeth Reece!" I cried," what are you supposed to say?" She looked up at me very sweetly and responded, " smell it?"

I was driving Libby home from school some time last year, and she was singing in the backseat. She was singing a new song..."It sucks to be me..." I was mortified and called Brad to inform him that our child was a cussing sailor. He laughed and told me that she had heard it on his morning radio show that day. He assured me he would talk to her about not using "potty words" that evening. Later that night (before her daddy-talk), she was sitting on the potty patiently waiting to "earn her piece of candy for going pee pee." She was having a very hard time actually going pee pee and was getting very frustrated. I told her that it would be okay to wait and try in the morning. She was determined to go and was very upset that she wasn't going to earn her candy. She sighed deeply, hung her head in her hands and sang,"It sucks to be me".....

Since I am a Women's Health NP, I am trying to teach Libby the anatomically appropriate words for her body parts, etc, this gets me into all types of trouble. Libby also has a bad habit of following me into the bathroom and watching my every move. One particular day, we were in Target shopping. I had to go to the bathroom, so of course she insisted on following me. While in the stall, I had to reach into my purse for my "supplies". Libby looked at me intently. She then spoke very loudly for the rest of the bathroom to hear, "Mommy, why you have to change your Coupon again?" I was so glad that my embarrassment was so hysterical for the other five women in the restroom that day.

Libby loves the Sesame Street songs that I have downloaded on my phone for her to listen to. She knew all the songs and liked to listen to them while I was driving. One night she was very frustrated because I wasn't playing the song she wanted to listen to. I was trying to figure out which song she wanted. She kept singing, " The Skateboard song mommy...the skateboard song!" Amanda and I both tried to figure out which song she wanted. Finally her little fingers pressed the right button. The song was, "We all sing with the same voice", but her sweet little voice began singing (what she thought it said) " we all be wiss a skate board, a skate board, a skate board"...Amanda and I were hysterical!

Don't worry, there are many more to come! My child is an endless source of amusement and joy!

Round Two

2010-11-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

It's been quite some time since I have attempted a blog. I must admit that I miss putting my feelings into words. When I was trying to get pregnant with Libby and during my subsequent pregnancy, I found great comfort in writing down my thoughts, fears and dreams. One day, Libby will be able to read that blog (if she so desires) and understand how much she was wanted and loved. I want her to know how I longed for a baby, and how she was prayed for years before she was here. It was also very therapeutic to jot down my discouragement and pain as I experienced the infertility journey to motherhood.

Now that Miss Libby is here, she makes her presence very well known. She is the absolute love of my life and the most amazing gift God could have ever bestowed upon the Pullen family. She fills my life with some much joy and laughter. I would like to use this forum as a place to share her with the world. I also want to make sure that I keep track of all of the funny things that happen day to day while raising such a strong-willed child. She is two and a half, so the fun has only begun!!

Tuesday night, Brad and I were having dinner with Miss Libby. She was eating a cup of pudding and chatting with us about her "very busy day". I asked her if she had been a good girl. She put a spoonful of pudding in her mouth and replied, "No ma'am, I got put on the wall today"....she hung her head in shame. Brad and I were in shock. She NEVER gets in trouble at school. "Libby," I replied, "what did you do to get into trouble?" "I hit my friends. Brody, maybe even Efan (Ethan)." Brad and I were very stern and upset, Brad said, "Libby, we don't hit our friends, did he hit you back?" Her response was, " well, Brody hit me first, so then I hit him back"....

So Brad and I proceeded to explain to her that we don't hit friends, and we were very disappointed in her behavior, etc...she promised us that she wouldn't do it again and that she would be a good girl the next day.

When I brought her to school the next morning, I asked her teacher what had happened at the playground. Miss Charity laughed and said, "Libby, you know good and well you didn't get in trouble yesterday." She then told me that sometimes Libby will stay on the wall if some of her friends get into trouble and she wants to stay with them. She continued to tell me that in fact, Libby does NOT hit her friends and is a very good girl at school.

This greatly relieved me that my child is not going to be a bully. However, this brings up a whole new problem...Libby has learned to lie. And she's pretty good at it!